


The Big Story of Homestuck Prompt Fills

by Jeanne160



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, At least in chapter four there is, Be Careful What You Wish For, Bulges and Nooks, But so messy, Caliborn's Potty Mouth, Crack Headcannon, Dave Swearing, Dave's Potty Mouth, Day At The Beach, Diary/Journal, Did I apologize yet?, Don't ask me about making plushies, Equius is a horse, Fluff, Gamzee's Potty mouth, Genderbending, How the hell does one teach crochet, Human/Troll Moirails, Humanstuck, I Don't Even Know, I did?, I haven't even written my crack ship yet, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm still so sorry for this, Isn't that just friendship though?, It really is that easy too, Karkat Swearing, Karkat the Dog, Karkat's Potty Mouth, Like friends who cuddle?, Mild Gore, Moirails, Movie Night, Multi, Nepeta is a Cat, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Petstuck, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, SO SORRY, Shameless Smut, Smut, So I guess every pairing technically appears once?, So fuckin messy, Swearing, Terezi the Ferret, The Online Dating AU, They play the shipping game, Those suck, Vacation, Vriska the Ferret, What Have I Done, Will warn for other chapters, Wish Fulfillment, Wishful Thinking, at least, making a hat is, unrealistic romance, when they come up, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 39,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4376543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne160/pseuds/Jeanne160
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is where I will post all of my prompt fills. Most of these I got off the internet but I am taking any and all requests, including rare pairs. The main point of this is to try to get better at gritting and if my suckage can entertain someone while I'm at it I'm more than satisfied.</p>
<p>No archive warnings apply because there hasn't been any smut yet, not one has really died, and there's no gore yet. This may change in future.</p>
<p>Edit: Did I say there was no gore? Gore Warning for Chapter 4. Did I say there was no smut? Smut warning for Chapter 8, and now for Chapter 13.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. High School AU

Beep  
Beep  
Beep

John was startled by the sound of an alarm going off. He blindly reached over and hit the alarm. Blearily he opened his eyes and tried looking around, a hopeless endeavor without his glasses. Still, the room felt familiar.

Feeling around on the end table, John finally found his eyewear. with their help he was able to assess the room around him. There were the Nic Cage posters he put up ages ago. There was his chest pushed up against the wall. Above his computer desk there was a poster for sburb, the game that ruined his life. The game he was supposed to still be playing.

Dad’s voice floated up from the first floor, announcing breakfast was ready. John didn’t bother getting dressed. He quickly got up and raced down the stairs before freezing in the kitchen. Dad stood by the table, waving a finger about as he looked at the items on the table.

“D...Dad?” John made his presence known.

“Hello son.” Dad greeting, completely neutrally, as if he hadn’t been dead for years.

With a loud, sad tinged happy noise, John leapt onto his father for a massive hug. John couldn’t have held back his tears if he tried, and from the way his father’s chest heaved, he could tell his dad was also crying.

“I am so proud of you John,” Dad said, “And no matter what happens in life I will always be proud of you.”

***

Unfortunately, John’s tender moment with Dad couldn’t last. Dad ate with John and then had to go to work. He reminded John the bus to school would be arriving in an hour and that he was indeed proud of John and the man John was becoming.

John quickly dressed for his day and left with his phone and his backpack. Upon arriving at the bus stop he began pestering his friends.

ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo **And I Say “Hey, What’s Going On?”**  


ectoBiologist [EB] invited everyone on his **chumroll** and **trollslum**

EB: seriously guys, i think i remember going to bed last night in the game and now i'm not in the game anymore. anyone else got the same issue?  
TG: i'm not even in the same state anymore  
TG: also bro's alive  
EB: yeah my dad is too  
EB: what state are you in?  
TG: washington  
EB: i live in washington  
GG: hey guys!  
GG: i'm in washington too!  
TT: I have also found myself in Washington  
TT: I would also assume we're all in the city of Seattle  
EB: yep  
TG: yes ma'am  
GG: yepporino  
CG: JOHN I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE OR WHAT'S GOING ON  
CG: AND HOLY SHIT I'M SCARED  
CG: BUT APPARENTLY CRABDAD IS ALIVE AND IS FORCING ME TO OUTSIDE DURING THE DAY  
CG: HE KEEPS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT GOING TO ADVANCED SCHOOL FEEDING  
CG: HE'S WALKING ME TO THE BUS STOP AND SEEMS INORDINATELY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF LIKE I NEVER LET HIM GO WITH ME  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SHIT STAIN AND HOW THE HELL DO I GET THERE  
CG: HOLD THE GODDAMN TELECOMMUTING GRUB  
CG: JOHN YOU NOOK EATING BULGE EATING SHIT EATING PIECE OF FECAL-MATTER LOVINGLY PLACED ON A BED OF ASS FLAVORED BUBBLEGUM, IS THAT YOU?  
EB: hey karkat!  
CG: DON'T YOU HEY KARKAT ME  
CG: I WAS TERRIFIED YOU ASS  
CG: I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN  
CG: I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY SHITTY LIFE WITHOUT THE DISGUSTING SHITHIVEMAGGOTS ASSFUCKER I'VE COME TO LOVE AND ADORE  
CG: DAMN IT JOHN I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE  
CG: AND YOUR ONLY RESPONSE IS TO LAUGH AT MY MISCALCULATION  
CG: TO LAUGH AT MY INCORRECT ASSUMPTION OF BEING THE ONLY TAINTCHAFING FUCKLICKING ASSBITCH ON THIS GOD DAMN PLANET  
CG: I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU WAKE UP ON ALTERNIA AND NOT FLIP YOUR SHIT THE MINUTE YOUR LUSUS DEMANDS YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD NORMALLY RESULT IN SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH  
EB: i'm sorry karkat, it's just that i'm so happy to see you and youre a funny guy  
CG: FUCK YOU MY INSULTS ARE NOT FUNNY  
GG: they kind of are  
CG: HOLY SHIT  
CG: HARLEY WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM?  
GG: i've been here the whole time  
TG: didn't you know?  
TG: jade is lord english  
TG: steppin on the hoe's just to get here on time  
TG: so in time she's already here  
TG: five years before anyone was ready  
TT: I think now would be a good time to do a roll call  
TT: Who ever is in Washington or on an unknown planet needs to speak up  
TT: Obviously I'm here  
TG: here  
EB: here  
GG: present  
CG: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY YOU LACKADAISICAL NOOK SCRATCHER  
CC: )(-ER-E AND SO -EXCIT-ED 38)!  
CA: im here  
GA: I Wish I Could Have Gotten Here Sooner  
GA: I Miss You Rose  
TT: I miss you as well Kanaya  
AC: :33 ac stalks her way into the chat  
AC: :33 "i'm here!" she boldly pronounces  
CT: D --> I am with Nepeta right now  
AA: i seem t0 have f0und myself alive and ready t0 d0 whatever we need t0 d0  
TA: ye2 ii'm aliive two ii gue22  
TA: and iif thii2 ii2 earth ii hate iit already  
TC: I'm AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkInG aT tHe BuS sToP qItH jOhN aNd KaRbRo  
AT: i'M,,, uH,,, wITH GAMZEE AND,,, kARKAT AND JOHN NOW,,, tOO  
AA: s0llux and i are at daves bus st0p  
CC: -Eridan and I are at Jade's stop  
EB: rose you got any trolls with you?  
AG: Ew  
AG: Rose and kanaya are sucking face right in front of me  
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 T4RO 4ND P1ST4CH1OS  
GC: NOT TH3 MOST PL34S4NT TH1NG BUT 1T COULD B3 WORS3  
GG: feferi, nepeta and the sweaty horse guy just showed up  
TG: and now eridan's here  
TG: great  
TG: awesome  
TG: now what?  
TT: The assumption is that we go to school  
TT: We'll meet in the library if at all possible  
EB: i'm letting my dad know i'm probably going to be home late  
EB: after school we should all meet up at the coffee shop on seventh  
TT: Sounds like a plan, although I doubt we won't all end up at the same school  
TT: The Game has truly done us a favor  
TT: In anycase the bus is here and we need to get going  
TT: See you soon  
EB: yeah, the bus i take just got here too  
EB: i'm closing the memo guys  
EB: stay safe

ectoBiologist closed memo **And I Say “Hey, What's Going On?”**

***

Everyone met up in the school library and though a long process of discussion (“No you shitdicking loonyblock prick, that can’t be it.”) it was decided that everyone was in a doomed selves memory of being a highschool student and they were forced to enact a school day, even with the memory that everything in the game happened.

Karkat got into a fight with Jack Noir, who became a football player in high school, Eridan got detention for being a prick to Ms. Paint, the art teacher, Kanaya’s lipstick was confiscated, Equius accidentally broke his locker, Nepeta got in trouble for not paying attention, and Feferi got punched in the gut during gym. Lord English, another football player, tried to start shit with Dave, but the coolkid’s cold facade made English back off. Everyone else was able to either keep under the radar, or just didn’t have anything happen to them. 

Unfortunately even memories have to end. John got to spend the night with his dad, and while he would forever cherish those last few moments they had together, John knew it couldn’t and wouldn't last. The next morning he was on the meteor again, holding Karkat close and when stretching out his wind to feel around him, he felt Dave nearby as well. 

Oh well, John thought, at least I wasn't alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Nepeta's quirk got messed up, archive didn't want Nepeta to quirk, and I didn't want Equius to talk for Nepeta, even if it would make sense. Don't forget to leave requests if you have them. I hope to update this weekly.


	2. The Romance of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bec Noir has found love. And God is it strange.

Bec Noir had long ago given up on his love for the beautiful white carapaceon dog girl he had once wanted nothing more than to love. She clearly disliked him and he wasn't about to pine over a love that could never be. He’d rather take his chances on a certain someone else.

Even if he couldn’t stay in place for very long before the Pretty Mercenary girl found him, he could at least stop and say a nice hello to a certain someone every once in awhile.

***

The first time they spoke it was from a great distance. The younger of the two called Bec Noir a shitty excuse for a hell beast and promptly attempted to shoot Noir to death. The only thing that saved Bec was the Pursuing Mademoiselle 

Bec would never admit it, but if she hadn’t shown up just as the young creature was pulling out a gun, Bec would not have felt the need to run away so quickly. It was only later in reflection that Bec could not deny the fact that the being had wanted to kill him on sight, not show Bec how special the gun was.

***

The second time they spoke the being was not masculine and was much more inclined to talk. It called him an attractive hell hound and gave him irradiated streak. Bec liked the feminine potential love interest, but hated how different she was. Where was the need to destroy? The desire to burn? The need to maim?

Before Bec could do anything about his questions the Pissed Maiden appeared to attempt to take him out. Bec could only be thankful the pseudo love interest distracted the carapacian woman that had been chasing him all across paradox space. This meant he could have more time to talk to his real love interest. Bec quickly took leave of the two ladies, not wishing to be caught.

***

The third meeting never really ended. Just paused, skipped, and repeated. The Prissy Minstrell caught up and yet did not catch up to Bec. Perhaps the easiest way to look at it is through the knowledge that Bec gained the affection of the cherub he only knew as Lord English. Really until their first meeting the two had never met, but before that Bec had her whispers of his existence and had himself been accused of being the green cherub of adorable looks.

The cherub told Bec he wasn't completely awful and after Bec killed The Black Queen for Lord English so that the cherub could rule over Derse Bec became a royal advisor of sorts. Their courtship was quick, fast, dirty, and quite simply filled with a mutual interest of ruling over all of sessions to come and yet still not come yet.

This third meeting never really ended, because as soon as the white carapacian showed up Lord English killed her. The thing about villains is that love doesn’t make them weaker, it makes them stronger. Previously anything short of a nuclear explosion wouldn't have done so much as scratch up the white being, but with the boost the game gave Lord English for falling in love, he easily cared the girl before she even had the chance to hit either Bec or Lord English.

It’s only too bad that this session was doomed, Lord English having a heart meant taking over the session and killing everyone but Bec. The two spent the rest of eternity in the pure bliss that only successful villains can feel.


	3. The Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ends up at the beach and meets a lot of trolls. Like a lot of them.

“Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade,” John whined at his sister.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” Jade whined back

“I’m board!” John rolled onto his back.

The two ecto-siblings had been relaxing on John’s bed, Jade lying flat on her stomach, arms thrown out in front of her in a lazy stretch. Previously John had been in a similar position, opposite side of the bed from Jade so that if he lifted his head he could observe her prone form. Now that he moved, he could tilt his head back to see her.

Jade gave a huffing sigh before standing abruptly.

“Let’s go to the beach!” she yelled before dashing out of the room.

John attempted to follow her, but like the white rabbit to his Alice, he quickly lost track of her. He leaned against a wall, trying to catch his breath. What beach had Jade been talking about? There’s no beach on the meteor. There never was and there never has been.

John noticed that at the end of the hallway he was in there were two large double doors. Once he caught his breath, John went through the doors, not expecting what he found. They led to a beach. The water was relatively far off from his current position, but he could still hear the pleasant shoooo of the waves as they crashed onto the beach. John picked a direction and starting to walk.

***

“私はあなたのズキズキコックを吸うしたいと思います。”

John had no idea what that sentence meant, but seeing it come from a troll in a skimpy bikini he decided he didn’t want anything to do with her. Like seriously, the female troll just screamed bad news.

“何、あなたが私の最初の名前を知っている必要がありますか？私はダマラ人だ、と私はあなたの時間私に話しては価値が作りますよ。私の手はあなたのペニスの上に右に置いたまで、私はあなたの胸の下自分の道を爪します。それから私はゆっくりとあなたのおいしい男の肉の下私の手をこすります。私は最終的にあなたが私をファックしましょう前に、あなたは私の隅を食べるようになります。それは汚い、迅速になり、私たちががあるように思った、決してどこの両方が砂を持っています。 あなたは何を言っていますか？”

John had no idea what the hell she just said, and he was sure he didn’t want to know.

“Um,” His voice cracked, “I don’t want what you're selling. I’m going to go off in that direction,” he points off to the west, “and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t follow me.”

John made a hasty retreat, praying the weird troll girl didn’t follow him. As luck would have it, she gave up on her possible catch. After all, she didn’t need another boy in blue breaking her apart.

***

John bent over as he tried to catch his breath. He hadn’t needed to run like that in years, and so was obviously winded. Right when he stood up he was met with the chest of a really tall troll with really long horns that came out of his head sideways.

“Hey Doll, I’m Rufioh,” The troll held his hand out.

“I’m…” John briefly thought of giving a fake name, since his dad taught him not to tell strangers his real name, but decided against it, “John.”

“Hi Johnathan,” Rufioh said.

“Actually it’s just John, but whatever,” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

“Oh man, part of my killer jacket fell next to your foot. Johnathan would you mind picking it up for me?”

“Oh, sure.”

“Thanks,” Rufioh gave John a kind of scary smile.

“You wanna grab an ice cream with me? There’s a stand right over there?” Rufioh pointed towards the stall that was indeed there.

“Are you asking me on a date?” John started backing away from Rufioh, “Dude, I am NOT a homosexual.”

“It’s not a date,” Rufioh put his hands up in a sign of surrender, “I don’t do dating. I just want to treat you.”

“Uhm…” John really wanted ice cream, but he didn’t want Rufioh to get the wrong idea. At the same time, Rufioh had stated that it wasn't a date, just ice cream.

“Come on,” Rufioh pleaded, “Everyone loves ice cream.”

But ice cream was way too sweet for John’s sensitive taste buds and it didn’t look like the stall sold John’s much prefered sherbert.

“I’d rather not. I... have to... get going,” John started walking away.

“Doll, come back. I swear I won't do anything you don’t want!” Rufioh called unto deaf ears. John just ignored him, sprinting away from yet another troll.

***

As soon as John was sure he was far enough away from the scary troll he stopped to breath. As his panting died down he realised that he was insanely thirsty and was incredibly grateful Rufioh hadn’t offered him water. He might have actually accepted it and really he didn’t want anything to do with the guy who gave him the creeps.

“FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK Q47CH OUT 7U4HBNCD9VNV1”

That was the yell that met John’s ears right before he was tackled to the ground by a loud lispy boy.The force of the troll hitting him knocked the wind out of John’s lungs.

“Get off me,” John demanded breathlessly.

“FUCK, 1’M 2ORRY!” the boy exclaimed, then helped John up from his sandy bed.

“How were you even able to go that fast on a beach anyway?” John asked as soon as he could breath properly again.

“1 WA2 ON 4 J3T 2K1 WH3N EIAOJN89Y79JN 1 R4N 1NTO TH3 2HOR3!”

“And then you were flung from your ski and into me?” the troll nodded in confirmation at John’s line of questioning.

John got an idea. An awful, wicked, horrible idea. An idea that qill surely be considered an awful prank that leaves no one laughing. Rather than act on this evil idea, John decided to do something else.

“Do you know where I can get some water?” John asked the troll.

“LOOK 4OUND DUMB422, TH3R3’2 W4T3R 3V3RYWH3R3.”

“But you can’t drink salt water,” John argued, “it’ll dehydrate you and make you very sick.”

John suddenly got another idea for a prank and started mentally planning it out. He would show Jade a good reason to never leave your ecto-sibling behind at he beach so that they have to interact with a bunch of assholes.

Unfortunately, while John was in thought the troll with two sets of horns meandered off and John wasn't about to draw attention to himself. It was better to go off and find another troll to ask for some water, at least in his mind. John headed down the coast line of the beach in his search for a troll with some water.

***

John spotted a troll with nubby horns and a bright red sweater. The sweater was so blinding John actually had to shield his eyes. Oh the painful burn of sun on a bright sweater which glares in the sunlight at all who dare to look upon it.

“Excuse me y9ung human,” the troll started, “y9u l99k like y9u are in need of assistance.”

“Yes-” John was interrupted before he could say a word more.

“You have 6een suffering fr9m 9ppressi9n haven’t you? All9w me t9-”

John quickly interrupted with, “Actually I just need some water.”

“9h,” the troll looked a little put out, “are you sure you don’t need to talk to s9me9ne about y9ur 6latant speciest-”

“I’m not speciest,” John yelled, “I’m just not interested in what you have to say right now. I am in dire need of some water and the fact that you are stopping me is not only triggering me, but is also-”

“Here,” The troll placed a boon buck in John’s hand, “G9 get s9me water with that m9ney. The stall is just right 9ver there, s9 please help yourself. I shall-”

The nubby horned troll’s voice got quieter as John headed towards the stall to buy his water. He of course saved the bottle after he drank all of the water from it. With a content sigh, John headed towards the area where beach met saltwater.

***

John quickly unscrewed the cap of the water. He quickly filled the bottle with water from the sea. He chuckled darkly before putting the bottle in his sylladex. This would teach Jade a lesson when he saw her next.

“H3Y DUD3!” a loud female voice sounded from behind John, “WHO 4R3 YOU?”

This troll looked kind of like Terezi, and even sounded a bit like her too.

“I’m not up to anything,” John lied.

“R4D1C4L!” the girl yelled.

“Um,” John gave her a confused look, “Yeah…”

“YOU KNOW WH4T YOU SHOULD DO?” the troll yelled.

“What?”

“YOU SHOULD W4TCH M1TUN4 4ND 1 SHR3D SOM3 KILL3R W4VES!”

John had no idea who this Mituna person was and he really just wanted to find Jade as quickly as possible.

“That sounds awesome, but I need to get going,” John rubbed the back of his head, “But I might see you again.”

“OK4Y,” the girl raised her arm for a high five and John gave her said high five.

The female then raced off in the direction opposite of the one John wanted to look for Jade in. Shaking his head a little, John continued his quest to find Jade.

***

After spending the last few minutes looking for Jade, John decided to take a quick break. It’s not exactly that he was tired of trying to find his sister, just more that the sea looked so inviting, and the day was so warm, and Jade was just not there.

John quickly striped down to his underware, leaving his shoes and clothes high enough on the beach that the tide wouldn't get them wet as the waves rolled in. John decided to leave his glasses on, vision being a major priority with him.

“Hello+ there,” a soft alto voice called from behind John just as he was about to get into the water, startling him bad enough to jump and quickly turn around, “I do+n’t think we've met befo+re.”

“I guess we haven’t,” John held his hand out, “I’m John Egbert.”

“Porrim Maryam,” the troll introduced herself.

“I like your tattoos,” John said.

This of course was not the only thing John noticed about the female troll. Porrim was in a rather skimpy dark green bikini and what little cloth there was did nothing to hide said tattoos. John wasn't sure how he felt about that.

“Thank yo+,” the curvaceous lady lisped lightly, likely caused by the lip ring, “I find your bucked teeth abso+lutely adorable.”

John blushed a little at that. He had always been a little sensitive about his teeth that were just a little too large for his own mouth. He often lamented the fact that he had been born with buck teeth. He had been picked on for a very long time about his teeth.

“Umm… thank you?”

“Yo+u are very welcome,” the troll patted John on the shoulder, “Yo+u look so+ tense dear. Let me give you a back massage so+metime, and maybe we can do mo+re?”

John’s blush was multiplied by ten and felt warmer than the sun which shone brightly above him and the very attractive female troll whom John was very interested in. John very much wanted whatever the lady was selling. More than that, he really wanted to date this girl, call her his humming bird, and make beautiful little Casey and Nick children. Yes he already knows the names of his future children. It’s hardly that strange.

“I-” his voice cracked, “I wouldn't mind that.”

Porrim chuckled softly at John’s reaction before giving a time and a place to meet up. While she wouldn't have been opposed to just having her wicked way with him on the beach right there and then, it wouldn't really have been as much fun as it always was to make her partner's wait for her. They always get so needy when made to wait, and Porrim found that she could appreciate a certain level of neediness.

Porrim left quickly, flirt too little and her prey would not be interested, but flirt too much and her prey would no longer be interesting.

John found that he needed to take a swim for a whole other reason.

***

When John finished his little swim he noticed that there was a troll with ear fins and gills hanging out by his clothing. _Really_ , John thought, _another troll. How many are there?_

“Vwell hey there Chief,” the troll said.

“Chief?” John asked, quickly putting his clothing back on.

“Yeah,” the troll gave John a kind of scary smile, “It’s a term of endearment.”

John rolled his eyes in annoyance. Really? Did he just scream gay to everyone.

“I know what it is, and I am NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!”

“Vwhoa there babe,” John made an indignant sound at the would be pet name, “There’s no need to yell at me like that.”

“Cr9nus,” a soft voice called out, “Are y9u triggering that b9y?”

John beat a hasty retreat away from the creepy greaser and the red sweater dude.

***

John wasn't really paying attention to where he was headed, and so instead of staying near the shore where he could almost guarantee he’d find his ecto-sibling, he headed up the beach.

It wasn't until he climbed up a sand hill that he realised his mistake. He would have just turned around had it not been for the pretty troll in a blue dress he spied. She kind of looked like a nerdier version of Vriska.

“Hey,” John said.

“Hello,” a slightly nasally voice left the troll’s mouth, “I’m Aranea. Who are you?”

The human shook hands with the troll girl, “I’m John.”

“John,” Aranea tested out, “That’s a nice name.”

“I think Aranea’s a nice name as well.”

“Well John,” the girl said, “Do you need some help getting back to the better part of the beach?”

“Um… yeah,” John blushed and scratched the back of his head, “That would be nice.”

Aranea pointed to the point where sand met actual pavement, “Just follow the path. It will lead to the docks.”

“Thank you,” John said before taking the path back towards the place where water met sand.

***

“Hey shrimp,” a troll with two long braids and a shit ton of jewelry said.

“Um… hello?”

John had just started on the path when he encountered this rather terrifying specimen of troll culture and residence.

“You seen a troll in a cerulean dress? Wears glasses, nasally voice, prawnbubbly told you how to get to the nice part of the beach?” said intimidating troll asked.

“Yeah,” John quickly pointed in the direction of Aranea.

The troll left very quickly and John prefered not to question it.

***

As John walked along the path he felt a fear growing in him. An irrational fear, but none the less a terror of such massive proportions he had trouble keeping his breathing calm and continuing down the path. Then all at once, the fear disappeared, replaced by this odd sense of unadulterated tranquility and joy.

“OGM, A MEW PERSON!” the voice kind of sounded kitty-ish if the cat was deaf and kind of stupid.

A troll in a green shirt and black skirt was practically hanging off the back of a much larger troll wearing a skeleton costume and creepy face paint. The troll in green had a blue tail attached to her skirt.

“Um… hi?” John waved his hand.

“WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN’T HEAR MEW,” the troll raised a hand to her ear.

“MY NAME IS JOHN,” John used the wind to increase the volume of his voice, “WHO ARE YOU?”

“I’M MEULIN,” the troll screamed, “AND THIS IS KURLOZ.”

Kurloz waved a hand at John.

Meulin suddenly gasped really loudly, “ARE YOU AND PORRIM GOING TO HANG OUT LATER?”

John just barely had enough time to nod in response before Meulin started squealing and yelling about ‘OTPs.’ John had no idea what made the kitty girl so excited. John quickly left the scene of the yelling cat girl and the silent dude John was pretty sure was Meulin’s boyfriend.

***

A rather steam-punk looking troll passed John as he trekked up the path. John kind of wanted the troll to stop and talk to him, and at the same time dreaded the prospect of it. He was just tired and wanted to just drop off in bed.

The troll did not stop to talk to John.

***

John finally got to the end of the path and spotted long black hair at the end of a qooden pier. Obviously this creature was Jade, as the figured also had dog ears on top of her head. The setting sun a beautiful backdrop for what was going to be the best prank ever and the end of a long day.

Jade hadn’t been paying attention when John sat next to her. He offered her a bottle of water which she gladly accepted. Unfortunately, the water wasn't as fresh as Jade had hoped. The salty taste hit her tongue and she quickly spat it back out into the ocean. Jade playfully slapped John’s shoulder, vowing to pay him back.

“Did you have fun today?” she asked as she helped John up.

“Not really,” he said, “I really wanted to hang out with you rather than encounter a bunch of trolls.”

The two siblings wandered back onto the part of the meteor they usually inhabited.


	4. The Ogre OC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Ogre makes a wish.

To my incredibly dull and yet incredibly detailed recollection, this is how my wish came true and ruined everything. You’d assume one little wish would do jack all when it comes to being the simplest of villains in all of paradox space, and you’d be wrong.

To give a simple explanation, I am a game generated villain by the name of Ooglek Ogreson. Obviously I’m an ogre. Although, the name doesn’t really say much about the type of oger that I am, nor much about my general appearance. Those will likely come in due time. For now, the only necessary detail anyone needs to know about me is that I am indeed an ogre and my name is indeed Ooglek. Not very original but one does not simply choose their name.

It had been a rather long night for me and my companions. We were attached to a planet known as Wind and Shade. We had tried to kill the hero of that planet, in hopes of winning the game ourselves. It is quite hard to win a game in which there are several major villains and even more main protagonists along with minor protagonists and even sidekicks like the little reptiles that populated the planet.

On that night we had lost a good man by the name of Oglom. He had been a brave man and I had hoped he’d lead us to victory. It seems that wish would never had been made to come true. As I was about to turn in for the night a flash out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. It had been a shooting star, perfectly white and rather unassuming. In the second that followed seeing the star I made a wish from the pit of my black, shriveled, stone-cold heart. After making the wish I went to bed.

The thing about wishes is that one never knows where they will lead. One wish could end in the guy getting the girl and in the end nothing even mattered other than that. Othertimes wishes lead to maleficent, awful things, that at first seem great, but end up as a horrific nightmare. My wish turned out to be of the second variety.

Before going forward, it is perhaps best to explain that my wish had not been for Oglom to come back from the dead. That wouldn't have been enjoyable and really that would have been more akin to the first kind of wish. No, I had a different wish granted.

My deepest wish is for this blasted game to end. It would not only mean the end of my life, but the end of all of my friends lives, which would be a greater blessing than the slow massacre of everyone. How many friends will I outlive today? One, two, five, fifteen, one-hundred? Forever going on in this unfortunate cycle of constantly fighting only to see my friends dead. I do not enjoy it.

My wish did indeed end the game, however it did not mean the end for all of us the game generated. Qe killed the child who had tried to win his own game. It had not been a quick death, it was slow, and I’m sure the child had been terrified. soon after, his other friends fell before my fellow darkspawn. Again, I’d like to state that just because we won does not mean the game was over.

It would have been better if we had drifted around. No, that had not happened. We were surrounded by a bright white light. I had anticipated being reborn. Alas, that had not happened. We were brought down to a planet full of drifting souls, those who did not fit anywhere. The creatures there were mostly other ogres and imps, but there were some denizens, and sprites to. It wouldn't have been so bad except for the fact that Bec Noir and Lord English teamed up to take over the planet.

I didn’t think I ever wanted to know how good Typheus tastes, or how soft Echidna’s flesh really was. Even worse than that was when English started eating ogres. He said our meat was the most tender he’d ever had. I tried to escape my fate. I could not. 

Pain filled my entire existence as a knife was pulled through my back, stripping my spine of muscle. It hurt, oh how it hurt, but ogre’s don’t pass out from pain, so I had to endure. Blood dripped down my sides. Eventually I lovt enough blood that I just died.

If any story had any moral, this one has one very clear moral. Do not, even for one second, make a wish. Perhaps it is callous of me to say do not make wishes, do not make dreams, and for the love of your deity, do not hope your heart’s desire could be anything but an ultimately horrifying death. Perhaps I do not care if it is callous. Don’t do it. Ever. As you can see it does not result in good things.


	5. The Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tavros keeps a Diary, and he has a week's worth of entries for us to read.

Sunday, Second Day of the 13th Perigee

It’s been a rather boring day. I got up at six today. I always do that though. I ate, washed, and dressed as usual. Boring. Not that I’m really complaining, I’d prefer boring to hectic, busy, or any other applicable word.

My day was filled with groups of people coming in and out of the hive. Aradia was the first to see me. I like my diamond and I think humans who say not all trolls need moirails, just the obviously dangerous ones, are completely silly. Vriska never really had a moirail due to Kanaya really being red for Vriska. And for most of the game Gamzee and Eridan didn’t have moirails. Also all trolls are dangerous to some degree. I know I’m a failure of a troll because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but even I can be pushed to dangerous levels, as previous entries have shown.

In any case, Aradia came over to my hive today. she needed to jam to someone other than Sollux about her quadrant issues. The thing about Sollux is that he doesn’t really care about quadrant problems. As long as your quadranted with him you're free to do anything. And while that can be great, since it means his moirailship with Aradia and I is easily maintained, it sucks when you really do need some quadrant advice. Normally we'd just go to Aradia for quadrant advice, but you can’t go to yourself for advice. Well, Aradia could, but yeah.

After jamming about her feelings for Equius we jammed about my feelings for Gamzee. I have come to the following conclusions:

The butterfly feeling I get around him is my body trying to tell me I am flushed for him

I should do something about my flush crush

The thing I should do is courting

After Aradia left I needed to clean up my face again. That girl always manages to leave me in tears. I can’t even remember what I was crying about, but she soothed me and just yes. She knows I don’t remember what we were talking about when I started crying, but she never minds. She says it’s fine because we talked about some things that are rather deep in my psyche and that I don’t need to remember her helping, just that she did it.

By the time my face was clean, Vriska came over for a visit. I’m too nice to say it a loud, but god I hate Vriska. Not even in the pitch way she’s been trying to get for years. Just in a completely platonic and awful way I hate Vriska. I think whatever Aradia and I are doing it’s working on my psyche. A year ago I wouldn't be able to, and really didn’t, admit to my platonic hatred of all things Vriska.

Vriska came over, left a spider in my attic, and left. Yeah. No talking, even though I tried to engage her, or anything. Just pop in, leave a spider, get out. I told the spider to leave. It insisted that I had a lot of delicious insects hiding about. I told it to never bite me or any of the people at my hive. It said as long as it got to stay in the attic it wouldn't. I’m really hoping this was intended to be a rather bold declaration of black lust rather than a pale or flushed ‘look how well I can protect you’ gift.

When Vriska comes over she leaves behind the scent of her perfume. This means anything she touches has to be cleaned very thoroughly. Also, it means I need another shower. She fell down the stairs, or at least started to, and used me as a thing to grab for balance. This means my arm smells like Vriska at it is nauseating. Again, I think she’s trying to pitch flirt with me. I told Aradia and asked if she knows someone who wouldn't mind auspicing for us, someone who didn’t have a history with Vriska. Unfortunately she did not. Maybe Karkat? He’s certainly lacking quadrants, and he is a romance expert. Or at least he says he is. He doesn’t have a ton of history with Vriska like Kanaya does (she would be my first choice), and Kanaya has never wronged him worse than she wronged everyone in the session with her backstabbing.

Anyway, after I got re-cleaned and re-dressed Gamzee visited. I mentally cursed, not having any sort of courting gift prepared. And then I realized the gift of food. That was a stupid sentence, so let me try that one again. I was having trouble thinking of a good first gift. As I thought about what kind of things Gamzee and I could do together the idea of movie came to me, and movie = snacks = food = courting gift. Perfect. I could show I’d be a good matesprit by providing food aka snacks, and it would be subtle enough that Gamzee wouldn't even notice, since I always provide snacks when we watch movies at my hive.

We watched Pupa Pan together (409th time) and threw down some sick fires. We've gone past the point of discovering each other's sore spots, so I didn’t have to worry about saying something that would hurt his feelings. Gamzee ended up staying pretty late so we ate dinner together (I cooked, he baked). He left after dinner, and thanked me for an enjoyable time, as he always does. I hugged him and told him I had a great time too, which is different from our usual parting in that I hugged him. When he held me, my blood pusher felt like it was going to escape my chest. Yeah, I think it’s a flush crush.

Monday, Third Day of the 13th Perigee

Aradia and Sollux ate breakfast at Aradia’s hive, and then went shopping. I specifically was looking for a gift for Gamzee. Technically the next gift I give should be hemocaste related. I need to give Gamzee something brown. If he reciprocates my flushed feelings he should give me something purple. I don’t think Gamzee's going to understand my intentions, though. I mean, how could he? I’m just that dorky brown blood who still likes Fiduspawn and Pupa Pan. Giving him something brown is just another childish quirk from me. Or at least, that’s how I think he’ll take it.

Aradia took us to the market. Today there was a wide a range of Olive vendors, meaning there was a lot of service type items. Oh, your ablution trap is broken? You can either buy this pipe, or for an unspecified amount I can fix it for you. This makes finding a gift for Gamzee kind of difficult. Eventually we ran into Kanaya, who apparently got leave away from the breeding caverns, meaning she would spend her time making and selling items. I found a rather nice brown scarf and she let me have it for free after I explained exactly what I was going to do with it. I like my friends.

I also bought a third gift for Gamzee, since I wouldn't be able to leave my hive for a while. After getting Gamzee’s reciprocation gift qe would gift each other weapons the other would find useful. I found these really heavy juggling clubs and decided those would make a great gift for Gamzee.

After being home for a few hours I found out Vriska snuck into my home and left behind a bucket in my pile. I moved the bucket to the river about five miles away from my hive. I am not receptive to her black solicitations and will be asking Karkat for some help. I think we could really use an auspistice, and Karkat would be amazing.

Gamzee was waiting for me when I got back hive. He looked sad and like he was just going to leave. Then he saw me coming back home and perked up. I’m hoping Gamzee is going to be receptive of my feelings. I let him into my hive and we watched some movies. Not Pupa Pan again, since I discovered that there is such a thing as watching something too many times last warm season.

At the end of the movie marathon I presented Gamzee with the brown scarf. He seemed flattered by it. I’m glad. Hopefully he understood my message. I will have to wait until tomorrow to find out if he understood. It might take longer though. In either case tomorrow I’m giving Gamzee his next gift. If he doesn’t get it by then I guess he never will.

Tuesday, Fourth Day of 13th Perigee

I’m laying in bed with a pillow over my face so that I can scream silently. Gamzee gave me a purple bracelet. He specifically said he accepts and that he’d have a weapon to give me tomorrow, so that’s when we'll trade. I am totally excited and I can’t wait for the later gifts. Saturday is going to be awesome!

Wednesday, Fifth Day of 13th Perigee

I woke up early today, excited for what Gamzee would gift me with. Yes I am incredibly shallow, accept the best thing I’m going to get by the end is Gamzee. Personally I could care less whether we pail or not. I know that we will, since that’s probably going to be tomorrow. I’m a little nervous, but mostly excited for that. I am undeniably flushed for Gamzee and I’m pretty sure he’s flushed for me too. It’s going to be awesome! I’m sure of it.

The lance Gamzee gave me was gorgeous. It was purple with a brown stripe on it, which probably means he had it made special, or he made it himself. Maybe not made it, but painted? I would make sense. Honestly it looks like a recolor of my favorite Flarping lance. Aradia came by after Gamzee left and agreed. I’m nervous about tomorrow which is why I can’t sleep.

Is it going to hurt? It shouldn’t, and Gamzee will make sure I’m ready for it. I can trust him. I honestly don’t know if I even work down there. I mean, I haven’t touched myself since before the accident, and obviously I don’t dream. I’ll be going to Gamzee's tomorrow. Apparently he has the better concupiscent couches. I’m not so sure but I wouldn't be surprised. I’m going to try getting to sleep now, maybe I’m calm enough now.

Thursday, Sixth Day of 13th Perigee

hhhhhhhng…

That felt good.

Friday, Seventh Day of 13th Perigee

Um… so I didn’t really give much explanation yesterday for what happened. Let’s just say Gamzee is a really good kisser and just all around amazing, and gentle. Um… Yeah…

So I woke up at Gamzee's hive, in his recuperacoon to be exact. I got up a little after Gamzee and took and ablution to get the slime off. The wonderful scent of pancakes made me hurry though my usual routine. He had indeed made pancakes and we flirted over breakfast. After breakfast he took an ablution himself, and after he dried off he asked if I wanted to help him with his makeup. I did so with what I can only describe as the world's brightest bronze flush. I took it to be a slightly more ambiguous gift. It does go with the whole ‘respect thing I guess.’ Like he respects and trusts me enough not to hurt him while assisting him. And I was certainly confident enough to paint him, even if I was a little nervous. Why are the later courting gifts so vague?

Afterwards we left his hive and went to go visit our moirails. Aradia and Sollux teased me pretty hard about Gamzee. I just blushed and laughed along. I happen to find their teasing more endearing than offensive. If it were Vriska I’d probably be very offended. Also she TP-ed my hive, so Aradia and Sollux went came over to my hive and helped me clean it up. I still only dislike her in a platonic way.

I decided to make Gamzee his gift for tomorrow. I really am flushed for that wonderful clown boy. Hopefully he’ll find it creative.

Saturday, Eighth Day of 13th Perigee

He did indeed find it very creative, and we had a very nice unplanned pailing session. It was nice, and we did it at my hive this time. Gamzee is currently reading over my shoulder.

You can stop now.

Really.

No, you can stop reading over -


	6. The Promised RoseMary Oneshot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Rose is tasked with going to the grocery store someone pretty bumps into her bike.

It had been a rather warm day. The sun had been shining, the birds had been singing, and Rose couldn’t have disliked the weather any more. Rain always brought around a cool breeze in, something much needed during the hot summer months when stories about people being struck low by heat stroke were the most interesting thing in the news. Rain provided a source of water to the lush trees and general greenery around Lalonde Manor. The thing Rose liked most about the rain was the cleansing it offered. As though things could really be absolved of their sins by a little bit of rain.

Rose scoffed at her musings. Really? Rain absolving one of their sins? Next a rabbit will appear out of thin air and as it turns out, the zombie apocalypse is upon us already.

“Ro-Rosey,” her mother called drunkenly from downstairs somewhere.

Rose swiftly stood and descended the grand staircase. Her mother was indeed waiting for her at the bottom of the marble steps, a crisp twenty dollar bill in hand. Rose could distinctly pick up the scent of alcohol and mint gum. From this Rose deduced her mother had been on another drinking binge and had tried to cover the smell of booze with the smell of mint. It was an awful combination.

“Rosey, I need you to go to the store for me.”

Ah, so her mother wasn't so drunk as to possibly be driving in her current state could be construed as something that could be mistaken as a good idea, but in reality was a horrible nightmare.

“Pick up something for dosh budneshmen comin’ over to-night,” the blonde’s mother continued.

“Anything in particular, mother?” Rose made sure her tone was as civil and soft as ever.

“Naw, but get yourself something too,” her mother handed her the twenty (and tapping Rose’s face with the money in the process), severely underestimating how much the food would cost.

Rose was quick to get her wallet and get on her bike. Her mother wanted her to get a few groceries for a party? Rose would go one step beyond at make those men some actual food, and that would require more than a measly twenty dollar bill.

As she was coming back from the store (the only Fry’s for miles around) the sun was in her eyes. The 16 year old hadn’t anticipated any other bikers being out, nor had she anticipated they’d be spacing out on the downhill slope that led back to the manor. Needless to say Rose had a rather unfortunate accident involving another girl.

“I’m terribly sorry,” the dark skinned woman said as she helped Rose gather her things.

“I’m not particularly irate about such a small accident,” Rose felt the corners of her mouth lift up a bit, “At least, I won't be if you tell me your name.”

“Oh,” the other girl said softly, “I’m Kanaya Maryam.”

Kanaya was certainly an attractive young woman. Her dark brown skin had felt warm when Rose brushed her hand against the other woman's when accepting a box of panko. Kanaya’s black hair had been pulled back into a long ponytail, and her eyes sparkled green. Her clothing was mostly grays and blacks, which certainly didn’t clash with the bright red glasses delicately perched on an upturned nose.

“Rose Lalonde,” the blonde introduced and the two ladies shook hands.

“Did you knit that yourself?” Kanaya gestured to the black head band which kept hair out of Rose’s face, which she had indeed knit.

This of course led to the two women discussing the best type of knit to get a soft cat plushy, and an invitation for tea later in the week. The two girls wrote traded their chumhandles (Rose had the pen and Kanaya had the paper) and continued on with their day.


	7. Unrecognized Numbers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calliope comes home from a long day of work at the local preschool. She receives a text from a number she doesn't recognize.
> 
> Sorry it's short? The next one is super long though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Splashy here on Archive because they requested the pairing.

Calliope sighed loudly as she flopped down onto the couch. It had of course been another long day at the preschool. No less than three pairs of concerned adults had a major failure of understanding that to their children, play is like doing taxes. One couple had blamed their children’s bad behavior on Calliope, accusing her of spoiling their child. There were no less than twelve accidents (Why would you send your unpotty trained kid to preschool?), and one fight over the swing set outside.

On the coffee table Calliope’s phone lit up and buzzed annoyingly. She hadn’t been able to turn the sound back up, so she couldn’t tell immediately if it were her annoying twin brother texting her or not. It took herculean effort not to just ignore her phone as she tried to relax for her rather hectic day.

The text was not from a number she recognized. Curiosity peaked Calliope opened the message which read:

i need two bottles of gin and pumpkin pie filling stat!

Odd, Calliope thought, what would someone need with gin and pumpkin pie filling? Another text came in. This one read:

rosey? You there? helo  
*hello

Oh, so the text had not been intended for her. Still, it would have been rude not to give some sort of response, even if it was a simple “You have to wrong number. Quickly Calliope wrote a text in response:

i'm terribly sorry bUt yoU have the wrong nUmber.

sory  
*sorry

The next time Calliope heard from that number was a week later. She had just gotten home from yet another long day. This time one of the fellow staff members, who had a strong dislike for Calliope, lied to the principle about Calliope’s method of teaching, and she spent the majority of her afternoon explaining to the principle why her lesson plan worked and going into detail about her disciplinary measures. Hit kids? She would never, and has never.

As soon as she got home she went to the bathroom to change out of her blonde wig into her much prefered white one. It was Friday darn it, and she fully intended on doing something with it, even if it was just going to the park to watch the sunset.

Calliope had just taken her blonde wig off when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Deciding that really, her brother couldn’t possibly make her day any worse than it already was she opened the message.

19th and k 

Calliope had been pleased to get another text from her mystery person, but this was very out of context. Calliope tried to think of things that could be on the corner of 19th and K. And then it hit her. Whiskey Row. On 19th street there was a long row of bars which wrapped around K street. Feeling a little mischievous Calliope sent a text in reply.

are yoU inviting me to go drinking?

sory hun, i’m trying not to drink. the bar i’m working at 2nite is thar

mind if I show up?

of corse not. i’m always hapy to chat a cusstommer up.  
*custommer  
*customer lol 

This was how Calliope found herself at a bar called “Heated Clockwork” in a dark green sweater dress and hoping she didn’t make a complete fool of herself. Honestly, she scolded herself, there really is no reason to be nervous. You’re not going to drink and whoever sent those texts won’t care what you look like because they are not attracted to you just from a couple texts. Love doesn’t work that way. Calliope noticeably straightened herself from the shock she received a that thought. Love? Who said anything about love?

Giving a massive sigh, the girl in green entered the bar. Immediately she noticed a girl in bright pink behind the bar, serving her brother. Not the bartenders brother, but Calliope’s. Darn it, Calliope cussed in her head. She had been hoping not to encounter her twin brother.

“Bitch, I said I wanted cognac on the rocks!” Caliborn yelled at the lady.

“And I told you we were fresh out of cognac, and that you’d either have to settle for whiskey or wine!” the lady yelled back at Caliborn, quite the intense feat considering Caliborn looked like a cross between a prison inmate and a pro wrestler.

“Bitch, I wanted cognac!”

“And we don’t have it! You said you wanted the whiskey!”

Calliope quickly interrupted before Caliborn could do something rash to the really cute bartender.

“I think it’s time you go home, brother,” Calliope kept her tone pleasant and her hand on his shoulder light.

Calibon stood abruptly, called Calliope a “bitch who doesn’t deserve to continue existing,” and left.

“I’m sorry about him,” Calliope apologized to the bartender for her brother.

“Nah, it’s fine. I coulda taken ‘im.” the girl had a cross between a New Yorker accent and a Valley Girl. 

“I’m Calliope. You’ve been texting my phone recently,” Calliope introduced herself, feeling like a complete dork.

“Hey Cally, I’m Roxy!” said girl leaned over the bar to give Calliope a firm handshake.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Calliope filled the silence, not really sure where she should take the conversation.

“OMG, it is really good to meet you to. And wow, you’re such a cutie!” Roxy didn’t really yell that so much as cheer it.

Calliope blushed really hard and fiddled with her white hair cropped close to her chin, “Thank you.”

The two women spent the night chatting with each other and properly exchanged phone numbers.


	8. The Diary Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We saw Tavros's diary entries for a week. Now let's read Gamzee's.
> 
> Warning: Smut

Sunday, Second Day of the 13th Perigee

Today I all up and went to see my Tavbro. I know I’ve motherfucking said it before, but I am crazy flushed for that little bundle of miracles. I attempted to take the short path to his hive, but it was all kinds of blocked off. 

Yeah. I think it’s spiderbitch’s doing, but I can’t be sure. It’s not something obvious like a giant web, so yeah.

When I got to Tavbro's we all up and watched a movie. I could smell that spiderbitch had been there trying to make moves on my flush crush, so while we watched Pupa Pan (410th time together, but Tavbro thinks it’s the 409th because he fell asleep that one time) and ate the snacks he provided (maybe he does feel the same?) I rubbed his arm, where that bitch touched him. He didn’t realize I noticed, but I did.

After the movie we threw down some wicked fires until very late in the day. Then we all up and ate the food Tav and I made (he did the cooking and I baked us a cake since he dislikes pie). When we said our good bye’s at the door he hugged me and my blood pusher damn near jumped out of my chest.

When I got home I jammed with Karkat about that hug and Karbro called me ‘an ignorant shitsponge’ and ‘a limp fronded stooge,’ but I think that’s just his shouty way of telling me he’s still pale for me and all is right in his world, and that I need to stop being so hesitant when it comes to telling my sweet Tavbro exactly how I all up and motherfucking feel.

Monday, Third Day of the 13th Perigee

I am freaking the fuck out. Tav is flushed for me. TAVROS IS FLUSHED FOR ME. I went over to his hive today but he didn’t seem to be motherfucking in, or maybe he and the spiderbitch were getting their mack on. I had smelled that bitch’s perfume all over Tav’s hive. Just as I was about to all up and leave Tav came back to his hive and invited me inside.

We watched movies. Not Pupa Pan again, though I half expected it. We watched troll Disney for the most part. Karkat thinks our tastes in movies are juvenile. I remind him that he started on his long path of romance connoisseur by watching troll Disney.

After our movie marathon Tavbro gave me a brown scarf. It’s so motherfucking soft and feels warm against my skin, just like Tavbro himself. It doesn’t smell like him though, which is a little disappointing. I guess I’ll have to all up and motherfucking wrap it around him when we get our holding each other close on (it is not cuddling, that’s for pale and we are flushed). I guess I’ll have to give Tavbro that bracelet a little earlier than I initially intended.

Tuesday, Fourth Day of 13th Perigee

I think my Tavbro was all up and surprised when I presented him with a purple bracelet today. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay over, I needed to all up and work on that lance I wanted to motherfucking give him tomorrow. I made him motherfucking agree to all up and present our motherfuckin' protection gifts tomorrow. I know most motherfucking trolls all up and think of it as presenting weapons to each other, usually useful weapons, but really it’s a gift about protecting. Motherfucking safety, right?

I specifically told him I was going to all up and accept his motherfucking flushed feelings, and that I was all up and motherfucking flush for my Tavbro.

I worked kind of late, trying to make Tav’s new weapon something he can all up and be motherfucking proud of. I know that he sometimes does his motherfucking FLARP thing, and I all up and cool with that as long as Vriska stays well the fuck away from him.

Wednesday, Fifth Day of 13th Perigee

My Tavbro is all up and the sweetest motherfucking thing. He got me some smooth as fuck juggling clubs that have a bit of umph to them and the rings on the end of them are in OUR motherfucking colors. He seemed to like the lance I all up and motherfucking perfected for him, which I consider a motherfucking plus.

I am all up and thinking about tomorrow now. I motherfucking invited Tav to my hive because my consupient couch is the motherfucking plushest bichtits awesome thing to ever exist. I want my matesprit to be all up and comfortable while we get our paling on. I will make him feel so motherfucking good he won’t be able to motherfucking remember his own motherfucking name.

Thursday, Sixth Day of 13th Perigee

Tav is sleeping in the coon I’m going to share with him later. I must have really motherfucking worn him out. Honk.

Tav came over to my hive, all blushing his beautiful bronze color and shit. I decided that rather than motherfucking all up and pailing him as soon as he got to my hive, I’d motherfucking seduce him. Make him feel all comfortable and calm before we get to motherfucking business. I have to thank Karbro for some of the ideas I all up and enacted for my flush brother, otherwise I wouldn’t all up and have made Tavbro as calm as he was.

I of course invited Tavbro inside. Karbro came by earlier and all up and gave me leftover food for my Tavros and I. I had a motherfucking feast all done and lain out before my perfect matesprit. After we ate I had Tav sit with me on the couch in front of the TV so we could all up and get our chill movie watching on. We watched some human cartoon about a yellow bear and his motherfucking adventures. It seemed to help calm down my Tavbro.

When the motherfucking movie ended I slid down to the floor in front of my flush bro. I carefully rested my motherfucking hands on his metal legs so I could lean up and kiss that beautiful motherfucking mouth my Tavbro’s got. When I had him relaxed and moaning I asked my matesprit what he wanted exactly. He flushed the cutest shade of bronze and stuttered out where he wanted me to all up and motherfucking go with my bad self. I believe his exact wording was along the motherfucking lines of “I, um… I want your bulge in, uh… me….” So motherfucking sexy when he all up and talks dirty with me. I wish he weren’t so hesitant, but it’s just how he motherfucking is.

I helped him undress and made short work of my own clothing. I would have loved to strip for him, but that’ll have to wait for another motherfucking time because the noises Tav made when I stood to remove my clothing just made me want to get back to him as fast as possible.

I laid myself on top Tavros, starting at his lips I kissed my way down his body, occasionally letting my hands tail along his sides, which are very motherfucking sensitive. I even kissed down those glorious legs, so strong from being able to walk up and down stairs and motherfucking run without anything holding him back. I don’t have much of a motherfucking fetish for feet, but I have to all up and talk about how great it motherfucking felt to all up and massage his foot. Their all soft and warm, and the moans I can all up and pull from him, just from rubbing at his foot makes me all kinds of excited for more.

I kissed my motherfucking way back up his leg, giving attention to his ticklish under-knee area. He laughed and squirmed beneath my motherfucking self and if I hadn’t already been soaking, I’d have been just from motherfucking that.

I moved up a little, licking and nibbling on his soft motherfucking thighs. I think he all up and motherfucking appreciated that because while he still gave the occasional laugh from my motherfucking tongue leaving just a little too little pressure, he motherfucking moaned for me, begging me to move just a bit higher.

I am not one to all up and ignore a sweet motherfuckers plea to give attention to a motherfucking place he all up and wants it. I all up and kisses and nibbled my way up his sexy thigh. It’s all motherfucking muscled and defined and leads up to what could easily be one of my favorite parts of Tavros’s body. I gave his bulge a broad lick before letting it wrap itself around my motherfucking wrist so I could give Tav’s nook some motherfucking attention. The sound he made when I gave his nook a dirty motherfucking kiss was so motherfucking perfect. It was of course followed by an embarrassed whine. I, trying to be a good motherfucking matesprit, made sure Tav was okay with what I wanted to all up and do with him. He said that he was fine, that he really wanted me, but he was embarrassed for some motherfucking reason. I don’t really remember why he was embarrassed, and it’s not like he has something to all up and be embarrassed about. He’s completely motherfucking perfect.

His nook was so fucking tight when I put a couple fingers into him. It was so fucking wet though, and he tasted so motherfucking good. Not like chocolate or peanut butter, but definitely something sweet. I slowly stretched him with my tongue and fingers until he insisted he was completely fucking ready for my bulge. It took a little motherfucking effort to get his bulge to unwrap itself from my hand, but when it did I crawled my way up Tav’s body, kissing here and there randomly.

I gave my matesprit soft little kisses as I prepared myself to enter him. When I finally did it was slow, and careful, stopping as much as I could whenever he asked me to. Finally when I was all the way in he gave a few soft little moans as he adjusted himself to my bulge. He shifted his hips around a little bit, making me moan and struggle to stay completely still. Finally when he was completely ready he let me move.

Messiahs but he was warm and soft and motherfucking tight on me. I worried that I hadn’t stretched him well enough, but he insisted it felt just as good for him. Still, I took his bulge in my hand and gave it careful, well timed strokes as I pailed him into the couch. 

He had this moment, where he wanted a better angle from me, but wasn’t sure how to get it. Eventually I pulled up his thighs a bit so he could wrap his legs around my lower back. I also had this kind of embarrassing moment where I literally fell on top of Tav mid-thrust because I was trying to all up and get a feel of him with my motherfucking hands and completely lost balance. He laughed it away and we changed positions so that his back wasn’t hanging off the couch. I sat facing the TV and Tavros sat in my lap, holding me close and giving me passionate kisses.

I think that’s my favorite position with Tav now. He bounced in my lap until he came all over me, screaming my name. That’s what did it for me. Him, screaming my name, begging me for everything I can give him. I must have come pretty hard because one minute I felt the absolute best pleasure of my life and the next, I was breathing shakily and Tav was giving me small little kisses all over my neck and chest. Fuck that felt good.

As soon as my legs felt like they weren’t all made of jelly, I carried Tav to the ablution chamber to clean him off and then put him to motherfucking coon, which is where he’s still sleeping. That slime is starting to look really motherfucking inviting. I’m going to all up and join him.

Friday, Seventh Day of 13th Perigee

Of all miracles in the world, I got up before Tavbro. I decided to all up and make some delicious as fuck food for my matesprit. I almost didn’t want to leave the coon; Tav was being all motherfucking cute like. 

When I got to the kitchen I all up and decided to make some pancakes, since technically they’re vegetarian and I know Tav won't eat meat for anything. Qe all up and got to talking over breakfast about our plans for the day (mostly going to see our own moirails), and then I started talking about how surreal it was for Tav to be all up and in my hive like a motherfucking miracle. That made him blush and he said something about how he couldn't believe I was flushed for him to. Yeah, that was motherfucking sweet as all else.

After breakfast I took an ablution. Once I had dried off, gotten dressed, and about to all up and put my face paint on Tavros asked if he could do me right and paint m. He looked so hopeful, I couldn’t all up and say no. I’m all up and considering this a motherfucking gift of trust and respect to each other. I have to all up and trust he isn’t going to all up and scratch an eye out or mess up my face in some other way and he’s gotta all up and be confident about applying my makeup.

After that we all up and went our own ways. While at Kimbro's I gave some advice about his ashen feels for my Tavbro and Spiderbitch. I told my pale brother that if he wanted an ashen quadrant with my matesprit I’d be fine with it, so long as he doesn’t vacillate, and doesn’t ask me to get involved or ask advice from me about how to deal with Tav. I am very flushed for him and that puts me too close to him to give any advice on that front. Karbro has decided that he’s going to bring up the idea with Tav first because Tavros is the party that would rather Vriska not be in his concupiscent quadrants.

Tomorrow Tav is going to have some sort of final courting gift for me, since he all up and admitted his feels first. I can’t wait to see what he does in the way of creative.

Saturday, Eighth Day of 13th Perigee

That all up and lead to us paling at Tav's place. I won't go into detail this time since I want to go see what Tav is all up and writing over there, but yeah, that was good. Real motherfucking good.


	9. Movie Night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux and Nepeta spend some quality time together.
> 
> Edit: I think I fixed all of my misspellings in this chapter. Woopse, sorry about that.

“Right now I really really really dithlike my Appa.” Your boyfriend storms into your living room and plops himself down on the couch.

“Yeah, Maman is driving me up the curtains too. She keeps insisting I date Equius beclaws he’s also an Iranian-American. I’m afraid of what she’d say if you identified as a molly rather than a tom,” you pop a movie into the DVD player (an anime neither of you are going to really watch) and place yourself next to him on the couch.

“Forget how Appa would be if you were a boy. He keepth yelling at me to break up with you and date Ara. She is technically the only other Asian-American we know, at leatht female withe. I’d hate it if Appa inthithted John and I get together,” Sollux shuddered and laid himself across the couch, head rested in your lap.

“You and John would make purrabably make fur a very bored couple,” you begin to massage his head, “That alone would make it not work. At least Mr. Egbert doesn’t care who John dates.”

At that your boyfriend snorted, “Could you imagine John and I fighting for AA’th attenthion?”

You give a small chuckle at the thought of Aradia looking confused between a kneeling John and Sollux presenting flowers to her.

“You know what we thould do,” your boyfriend pulls himself up while scooting back so he can rest his head on your shoulder to kiss your jawline (which he knows you feel sensitive about and goddamn it how does he melt your heart constantly with his sweetness?), “We thould run away from home.”

“And what?” you ask, “Go live with Aradia and Feferi?”

“I might end up having to,” he obviously gets more moody, which of course means he clams up.

“Sol?” You ask, trying to get some information out of him.

“Appa told me that if I didn’t break up with you he’d dithown me. You realise what that means, right?”

You give your boyfriend a tight squeeze. Of course you know what that means. He’d still be able to go to college, but he wouldn't really have a place to live anymore. Karkat living in the dorms means that he can’t just go live with his best friend, and Tavros is technically living with Gamzee, making their house a no go. Aradia and Feferi live in Canada, meaning he’d have to switch universities and that would be a pain and a half.

“You know,” you give his nose a light flick, “Mew could always live here with me if you wanted.”

He gives you a look. 

“Oh come on,” you both sit up on the couch, facing each other, “Mew know mew can. I don’t live with Maman, and she doesn’t have to know mew moved in. Mew can share a room with me, you’d have to get a part time job, but that won't really be a problem will it? We could go fifty-fifty on groceries, and if Maman ever does find out we can split the bills too.”

Sollux starts to cry as you finish your sentence.

“Sollux? I’m sorry! We can figure something else out. Mew can sleep in the guest room if mew want. I did-” you're worried words were cut off by Sollux placing a tearful (and someone snotty) chaste kiss on your lips.

“NP,” he said, getting himself under control, “I’m not crying becauthe of anything you thaid, well I mean... I am… but, it’th jutht,” he blushed hard, “No one’th ever offered to give me a plath to thay if I needed it.”

You place your hand on his back giving a small rub, “Not even Karkat?”

He shakes his head, “Kk liveth in the dorms. I can’t move in with him until next year at the earlietht.”

This made you pause. You would have thought that he’d bring up the disownment with you before mentioning it to his best friend. Maybe he didn’t want you to think he wanted to break up with you. That had to be it.

You kiss his forehead, not really knowing what else to do. During the silence Sollux sniffles a bit but watches the anime you popped in. You decided it makes an okay distraction from whatever just happened and you watch it with him, laughing when the characters do something stupid and yelling at them to just tell each other their feelings.

When the episode ends Sollux pauses the DVD. You know what that means. You both are about to have an even more serious conversation.

“Np,” he starts, pauses, takes a deep breath in and starts again, “Nepeta, I love you.”

You go to say you love him too but he holds up his hand, stopping you.

“I love you tho very much. I probably would move in with you in a heartbeat,” your own heart starts to beat just a little harder, “But I think it’th maybe a bit too thoon for uth to move in together. If Appa did dithown me I would move in, but otherwithe it’th thimply too thoon. Ith that okay?”

You take a moment to think. Is that okay? You were a little disappointed sure, but you didn’t mind. He was considering the idea wasn't he? And isn’t that what you had wanted, to give him the option if he felt he needed it?

“Oh Sollux,” you wrap yourself around him, “Of courrse it’s fine. I just wanted to give you the option. With Aradia being in Canada and Karkat being in the dorm rooms I figured you didn’t have much in the way of options.”

Your boyfriend opens his mouth, pauses, and then says, “I wath going to thay I altho have a place with TV, but he and Gamthee actually make me not want to do that.”

“Nya, I guess.”

You and your boyfriend spend the rest of the evening relaxing and making out.


	10. Mom and Dating Websites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is less than pleased when her mother starts online dating and feels the need to tell Rose about every date she goes on.

Rose debated beating a hasty retreat from the kitchen, water or no water. Her personal rule had always been to never bring water into her bedroom because all it would take was one errant elbow and her computer would be dead. Still, she did not relish the thought of staying in the kitchen where her mother would undoubtedly tell her all about the most recent date she went on.

Before she could make a move to leave the kitchen (she’d drink her water on the balcony) Rue Lalande burst into the kitchen, giggling worse than a school girl with a crush with a drunken edge to said giggle. She wore a short polyester skirt and a skin-tight top. Rose chose not to think about the implications of her mother being dressed in such attire.

“Rosey,” Her mother cried happily, “Oh my god rosey! I just had the best date ever! Online dating is amazing! You should try it some time.”

Rose was first and foremost impressed her mother could talk straight after the drunken gigglefit she’d just had. When the words registered however, the lavender clad teen gave an internal snort at her mother’s short-sightedness. Technically she was already dating someone online, and they were kind of serious. At least, Rose took their tea dates and flirting over a pair of knitting needles as serious. Maybe she should ask Kanaya if the were serious? Just to get the other woman’s perspective.

“Rose,” her mother’s voice filtered back in through the mind fog, “Rosey he is so amazing!”

“Is he?” Rose thoughtlessly asked, more preoccupied with thoughts of her own romantic endeavors.

“OMG, he might be old, but damn does he know his way around the snatch!”

Rose decided that she really didn’t need water, and her hand-knit cat was more important. She raced out of the kitchen, her mother’s laughter following her all the way up the stairs.

***

When Rue came back from her second date that week , Rose had been on skype with Kanaya. As it turns out, the other female had thought the were serious too. Rose doubled her mother would care. Unfortunately, this meant Rose could not escape her mother unless she wanted to be particularly rude to Kanaya, which she of course did not.

“OMG Rosey, I just went on the best date evar!”

In her right ear, the one that still had an ear bud in it, Kanaya asked if she could be privy to the conversation. Rose typed three letters, rather than verbally replying.

“Tell me about your new suitor,” Rose implored.

“OMG rose, he likes to bake!” Rue sat in front of her daughter bouncing up and down slightly, “Oh, and I don’t mean drugs. Thought that wouldn’t be terrible I supose.”

“Does he?” Rose prompted for more information.

“Holy shit Rosey, we fucked on the kitchen table while making brownies together,” Rose blushed at her mother’s words and shifted on the couch with her arms wrapped around herself. Kanaya blushed on her girlfriend's behalf and let out a nervous chuckle.

“We had to be quiet though, ‘cause his son was in the house doing homework upstairs,” Rose turned a shade of green which Kanaya found rather unappealing.

‘Poor John,’ Rose sent her girlfriend. Her mother, having not realized how uncomfortable she was making her daughter suddenly stood up quickly.

“Oh shit, the brownies are still in the care. They turned out so good Rosey, you have to try some!”

While Rue went to her car to pick up said dessert, Rose ran upstairs with her computer. Needless to say Kanaya was disinclined to call her girlfriend rude.

***

“Rose I’m serious, the woman looked like an older version of you.”

“Dave that is highly improbable,” Rose played with the phone cord on the desk (her room had the only land line in the entire mansion), “The only person either of us knows who looks like an older version of me is my mother, and she doesn’t have the right eye colour.”

“That’s what I’m saying Rose,” Dave’s voice came through the speakers as a yell, “Your mom and my brother did the do just a few moments ago.”

“Did the what?” Rose asked in a teasing tone.

“You know, banged, nailed, pounded, make monkey passion, did the poo tang, hizzit the skizzins-”

Rose’s laugh interrupted Dave’s well thought out monologue.

Suddenly a knock came at her door. She quickly put Dave on speaker phone, quietly telling him this of course, and put the phone down in a way that made it looked like there wasn’t anybody on the other end.

“Yes?” Rose called out to the person who was sure to be her mother.

“Can we talk Rosey?” Her mother’s eyes were alight with joy.

“Sure,” Rose said, pulling out a note pad and some paper.

This had become standard procedure between the two of them. Her mother would talk to her daughter about small personal things and Rose would keep track of it as though she were actually her mother’s therapist. Now that the sixteen year old girl had a better grasp of psychology she regularly acted as her mother’s actual therapist.

“Rosey, that date was so good,” Her mother gushed, splaying herself across the couch Rose had installed in her room just for this purpose.

“Oh?” Rose asked.

“Rosey, he’s like a total body builder. So fucking hot. And, like, he dirty talks in Japanese. OMG it’s so hot. And the way he screamed -”

 

“Mother I think we need to clear something up!” The confirmation that it actually was her best friend’s older brother her mom had sex which made Rose more uncomfortable than it should have.

“Yes Rosey?” Her mom implored.

“You are under the impression that I want to hear all the intimate details of your sex life. I do not in fact want to hear about my mother having sex with anyone. I don’t even want to think about it. I do not have an Oedipal Complex and I never wanted one. I’m glad you're happy, and I’m happy for you, but the next time I ask you about how your date went or you tell me about your date, tell me where you went, what you did, and if the guy was nice. You can tell me what he looked like if it makes you feel better, but I absolutely do not want to hear about the two of you having sex. Do you understand?”

“LOL, I guess I owe Jakey a five bucks.”

“What-?” Rose asked as her mother left her room. As soon as the door closed Dave started freaking out, and all Rose could do was stare at the closed door.


	11. Another From the Prompt Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I burried in in the backyard. (What?) My ___ dug it up. (Who?) From there it fell into the wrong hands. (Where did it go?) The blowback was, shall we say awkward. (What were the consequences)

“Rose,” the Heir of Breath whined, “Dad made me another cake.”

“Was it a congratulatory cake?” the Seer inquired from over the headset.

“Turn around John!” Jade’s voice came from the left ear as John spun his character around to smoosh the imp under the weight of his hammer.

“Yes,” John answered Rose.

“Did he find out you’re gay?” Dave asked from his right ear.

“I’m not a homosexual!” John once again insisted. It wasn’t his fault his friends kept mis-sexualitizing him. Bi-sexual was a thing guys.

“So your dad didn’t find out about your sexuality?” Rose, the only one who knew, attempted to confirm.

“No, my father did not,” John replied, censoring himself when his dad came poked his head into John’s bedroom, offering a piece of said cake. John briefly excused himself from his friends to thank his dad for the cake and to accept the piece.

“Wait,” the Witch cried, “Is Mr. I-Hate-Dessert really accepting a piece of cake from his dad?”

“How do you do that,” John asked after swallowing a bite with a grimace.

“My speakers are awesome,” Jade said.

“So you’ll eat your dad’s cake but when I want you to eat a cookie I have to force feed it to you?” Dave questioned seriously.

“Dude, that was last summer!” John argued, “And I didn’t protest that hard once you found the right delivery method.”

“Oh my,” Rose’s voice filtered in through both ears, “Do tell.”

“No,” John said, taking another bite, “I don’t think I want to tell.”

“Jooooooooooooooooohn,” Jade whined, “I just want to know why he baked you a cake in the first place.”

“Okay, but this is going to sound really stupid,” John said as the four friends sat in a circle around the Witch of Life in LOWAS.

“Just tell the story already!” Dave whined.

I finally unlocked that sage I found last year,” John paused when Jade made a surprised noise.

“The one that was in the wall?” Jade opening a wrapper accompanied the question.

“Yes, that safe. The one behind Nana’s portrait for the rest of the party,” John took another bite of cake, grimacing all the while, “It had a Betty Crocker Cookbook in it.”

“I didn’t know the infamous Batter Witch made cookbooks,” Dave swallowing was picked up on the mic rather obnoxiously.

“Another ploy at making money I’m sure,” Rose’s cat meowed loudly from somewhere in the distance.

“I buried it in the back yard after closing the safe. I didn’t want Dad to tell me once again how proud of me he is. I’ve got enough going on in my life that he’s proud of and regularly tells me he’s proud of that it just starts to be a prash without meaning. I’m sorry Rose, but it’s driving me crazy. I love him, and I’m so glad we do have a good relationship, but I can’t take hearing another ‘I’m proud of you son’ from him. I just…” John took a couple deep breaths to get himself back under control.

“It’s fine John, Rose’s voice was a soothing bath after a long day, “It’s like how Dave wishes his brother didn’t leave smuppets everywhere, or how I wish my mother was in my life more at times. I do think you’re incredibly lucky to have an approving father, but I’m sure constantly being told how proud of you your father is makes the times when he’s disappointed in you hurt more.”

“It really does,” John made a soft sound, “It makes me feel like in order for my dad to be proud of me I have to do what he approves of. If I don’t, then he doesn’t feel proud of me and thus doesn’t love me. It’s silly, isn’t it?”

“Not at all, John,” Rose’s voice cut through the melancholy air, “That is completely normal. I do think you should talk to your father about this, but it’s not my place to interfere. You were telling a story just now, I’m sorry. Why did you bury the book and not simply put it back in the safe?”

“Dad checks the safe every day. He’d notice if even a page were slightly out of place. It’s not like it’s dusty inside the safe either. Dad cleans inside of it every couple of days. I couldn’t put the book exactly in place exactly in the place I got it from, so I had to come up with something else. I decided that at the very least I’d get a note about how proud my Dad is of me and then that would be the end of it.”

“Well why not burn it?” Jade asked, “Isn’t it winter time in seattle? I’m sure you could use the pages as kindling and your father would never know. Then once the fire gets nice and big you put the rest of the book in to burn.”

“Betty Crocker doesn’t burn,” John blushed slightly, “I tried that. With a lighter in the backyard. It didn’t even melt. I don’t know what it’s made of but clearly it doesn’t want to go down in flames.”

The muffled voice of Bro came through the right ear before Dave excused himself from the conversation. John chose to wait until Dave got back to finish the story.

“What are you eating Jade?” Rose inquired while they waited.

“The last shipment crate included candy. The ‘pay day’ candy bar was good for providing energy when I went exploring, but I’d only eat it if I didn’t have anything else on hand. I’d rather take fruit leather on an expedition,” Jade giggled and fiddled with a wrapper.

“Have you tasted anything you liked?” John asked his cousin.

“Hm…” Jade took a moment before speaking again, “The chocolate bars were good. Grandpa taught me to make s’mores with some of them. We got some pumpkin shaped ‘reese's peanut butter cups.’ Those were okay I guess. I’m just not a peanut fan I guess. Um… I just tried a ‘three musketeers’ bar. I don’t get why they're called that when it’s a chocolate filled chocolate bar, but whatever. Oh, hi Dave!”

“Let me lay down some candy facts for you Jade,” Dave said, “The three musketeers bar orignenally had chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry mouse in it. And then the war happened and people were all like, lol, got to save money on candy, so they took out the vanilla and strawberry. They never bothered to re-incorperate the origenial flavors.”

“That’s so stupid!” John just knew his cousin would be rolling her eyes at the screen.

“So Jade’s trying candy bars for the first time?” Dave asked.

“That would be correct,” Rose accidently clicked two knitting needles together.

“You ever try a snickers bar? Those are the most wicked shit ever!” Dave knocked something over on his desk.

“Dude, did you just knock over the ferret cage?” Dave actually looked offended at the screen.

“Actually I rearranged furniture in my room, just switch the bed and the desk around, and Terezi’s still getting used to it. I swear Vriska is laughing her ass off on the bed. I see you! Don’t think I don’t!” Dave obviously was talking about said ferrets.

“Dave, ferrets normally have very poor vision. I’m sure Vriska didn’t see anything,” Rose snarked.

“So, you buried the cookbook in the backyard. How did your Dad get it then?” Jade asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

“Karkat, the little butt muncher,” John took a moment to glare at the small ball of curly fur, “Decided to dig it up. I was already at school when it happened and Dad didn’t want to make me clean it up-”

“Why not?” Jade interrupted.

“You know how I told you guys that I have to stop playing at ten tonight? It’s because I’m doing AP testing and it’s a brain melting experience. I’ve been sleeping until seven and rushing to get dressed so I can get to the testing room on time,” John rubbed the back of his head and gave a short yawn.

“And since your father realizes how important time is to you right now he cleaned the mess up for you,” Rose deduced.

“And then dad saw the book in the whole and he baked me a congratulations cake,” John took a finale bite of the cake, cleaned the plate in the kitchen sink, and then sat back down to his friends.

“...And then Nepeta slept on Equius’s back. Hey John!” Jade finished up her part of the conversation.

“Why was - never mind. I forgot how amazing the wild animals on the island are,” John shook his head.

“I forgot, what type of cat was Nep - ow! No Terezi! You do not bite my ankles!” the sound of Dave shuffling meant he probably picked the blind ferret up and put her in a cage.

“She’s a puma. She is the freaking best! Equius, the little baby, will lay down in front of her so she can cuddle him like a kitten. So freaking cute!” Jade squeed on the other end of the skype call.

“Are we going to continue our campaign tonight?” Rose asked the rest of the group.

“I’m just not feeling up to it. I’m going to logout, but let’s keep the skype call going for a while?” John asked.

“Of course,” Rose replied, logging out of Sburb as well. The four friends continued to talk about how their days went.


	12. Happy Early Genderbending Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a bad idea to mess around with the ecto-biology machine. But you didn't really care now did you?

Sollux should have known better than to mess around with the ectobiology machine which had been found on the meteor. Karkat had specifically forbidden anyone from using it, which should have been his first hint that using it was a bad idea. Sollux wanted to pick it apart though. He wanted to understand how something meant to be intuitive could be anything but. He supposed that Karkat could have shown him twenty movies detailing exactly why so much as looking aqht the machine was a bad idea.

Sollux supposed it was one bad idea after another. Bad Idea number one was opening the side panel and messing with the wires despite not knowing what they would do. The second Bad Idea, which really should have been the first, was that he hadn’t taken anyone with him. The reason for this could be seen in Bad Idea number three, in which he stepped on a “pad” for lack of a better term without realizing it. If he’d taken someone, say Jade who was naturally good with most mechanics, he’d probably not done any of his Bad Ideas. If he’d taken anyone, even Karkat, who could not be trusted around anything mechanical, then he could have at least avoided the third Bad Idea. Or, at least, he could have made Karkat stand on it.

Sollux was attempting to look at a particular button while standing on a pad, not realizing it, when he accidently pushed a button. He definitely knew he had been standing on a pad when a bright white light blinded him.

When Sollux regained his vision he did not immediately notice the subtle tightness to his jeans. Nor did he notice his shirt felt a little baggier than normal in some areas, and a little tighter in others. He first noticed his smooth grey skin was longer grey. It was a yellowish-pale colour. Sallow would be an apt term, if the binary loving boy had any concept of what the word ‘sallow’ meant. As it was all he knew was that he was no longer a troll.

Sollux considered himself fortunate he hadn’t run into anyone on his way back from the ectobiology machine. If he had, perhaps he would have been less shocked about all the changes that were made to his body. Afterall, someone would have told Sollux exactly what was new with his body, or at least have commented on it.

Looking in the full length mirror Araida had installed on the back of his door, Sollux slowly took the time to examine all of the little nuances. Starting with his hair. It was still the same length, but it was no longer black. If one had asked Sollux he would have said it was as if someone had cut open his head as a troll and allowed to blood to leak all over his hair. It was a little greasy and flat, but Kanaya probably could have told Sollux that a quick wash would take care of both issues.

He looked at his two toned eyes in wonder. His glasses had changed from blue and red to clear. Obviously correctional since he attempted to slide off his glasses and flat out couldn’t see anything around the multicolored blur that everything became. The eyes themselves were two toned. One eye was a dark brown, and the other a dark blue. He supposed the color of his blue eye could rival that of little blue eating spheres, and the brown so off spectrum, Tavros wished he could have blood that color.

Overall, his face looked almost the same. Same thin upper lip and slightly thicker upper lip. Same straight nose ending in an upturn. Same eye shape, like two particularly plump almonds. His jaw though. His jaw was different. Where Sollux had been used to seeing a squareness to it, indicating his low to mid blood birth, it was rounded out, giving the whole face more of an oval shape than a square. That would take a very long time to get used to.

Sollux allowed his eyes to travel lower, taking in the slump of his shoulders until his eyes spotted something that he hadn’t woken up with. His rumble spheres, which for the most part hadn’t been big enough to have any outward protrusions, had indeed grown. Now the rumble spheres made his chest only a little more lumpy than usual. It wasn’t a big difference to the casual observer, but to Sollux the difference was ginormous.

Trailing his eyes even lower he saw that instead of the straight line he was used to seeing from his body, he saw a curve form away from the lower half of his torso. It hit him all at once. He had hips and when he turned to look at his profile, his had a rounded ass. Granted, it wasn’t a too extremely different. It wasn’t as if he’d rip all of his jeans with his newly acquired hips and ass, but it was a large enough difference to actually seem colossal.

End of curvy hip down Sollux hadn’t really changed at all. He supposed he wouldn’t even have to change his wardrobe really. Though being human would probably cause some new problems. Sollux debated whether or not he wanted to take his pants off and investigate if his genital region was still the same. The decision was made for him when someone rapped on his door.

“Sollux,” a bubbly, nasally voice came from the other side of the door, “Are you there?”

“Um…” Sollux gave himself a panicked look in the mirror, “yeth.”

“Hehe,” the voice giggled softly, “Can I come in?”

“Um…” Sollux gave a quick look around, “No.”

“No?” the voice sounded a little sad and Sollux internally kicked his newly rounded ass, “why not?”

“My roomth a meth,” it was the first thing he could think of.

“Already? Didn’t you and Aradia clean it yesterday?”

Sollux swore repeatedly in his head. True to the voice’s word his room was clean of clothing and junk that could have been cluttering the floor and desk space.

“I’d jutht rather you didn’t come in,” the offended gasp made Sollux want to burry himself in a hole, “Not becauth of anything you did. I’m jutht…”

“Sollux,” it sounded like the owner of the voice placed a hand on the door, “Are you having an episode?”

“Not ethactly,” Sollux winced a little at the sort of lie, “I want to thee you, and I know I want to thee you, but I did something kind of thupid and-”

The twisting of the door knob interrupted him, “You tried to cut your hair in a manic fit didn’t you. It’s okay, I’m not going to laugh.”

Sollux wished he could stop the girl on the other side of the door, but he knew that even if he could, she’d find another way in. There was always another way in.

When Jade stepped through the door Sollux attempted to hide his embarrassment by crossing his arms over his chest and giving the female (other female? How does human gender work?) an indignant look.

“I didn’t thay you could come in JD.”

The girl took one look at him and immediately started pushing him to the bed.

“Thomeone’th ethited,” Sollux commented lamely as he was pushed to a sitting position on the bed.

“Nope,” Jade gave him a big cheesy smile, “I just think you should be sitting on something you can faint on if it should come to that.”

“And why ethactly would I faint?” Sollux raised an eyebrow at his girlfriend.

“Well for a start you’re a human female, and there’s some… unpleasant things that come along with that,” Jade winced a little as she said ‘unpleasant.’

“How ethactly do you know I’m female? I could be a dude! It’s not like I just suddenly decided that even though my anthethor with male I’m not,” Sollux actually glared at his girlfriend.

“Well okay, you're still mentally you, and that’s great!” damn Jade and her expressive smile that could light up even the darkest of places, “But I’m not talking about what your gender identity is. Well I am, but not really. Oh gosh,” Jade gave Sollux a panicked look, “I have no idea how to explain this!”

“You know, I’m the one who jutht thuddenly became a human, tho thouldn’t I be ethplaining how that happened?” Sollux was struck by the odd turn of events. Surely he would have needed to explain how he was suddenly not troll to his girlfriend who had been expecting to visit her troll boyfriend.

“You can do that later,” Jade cheered at him, “I feel like I’m obligated to explain human biology to you all over again.”

“Wait,” Sollux gave the girl a terrified look, “Doth thith have to do with why you athk me to leave you alone for a week thrait every month?”

“Yes actually!” Jade bounced up and down a little at the foot of the bed, “You see your body has the female blueprints instead of the male ones. So like, you can totally still think of yourself as a dude, and you’re probably still into girls-”

“Troll,” Sollux coughed.

“Ah, sorry. I’m kind of biased so it’s going to take some work saying everything correctly. Um, you’re still the same sexuality you were, but your body is biologically different now and god this is making me sound like more of a dick than I already did and you should probably just shut me up now and-”

 

Sollux kissed Jade to stop her rambling before she managed to dig a bigger hole for herself.

“Okay, tho I have a human female body. Why ith that tho thecial?”

“Why don’t we see if Rose has some biology books. Specifically human biology books.”

In the end, Sollux did indeed wish he had been already sitting when he fainted. It would have resulted in a less bruised head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the thing, I have a second part of this written up. I wanted to know if you guys even want to read a part two, since it actually has nothing to do with Sollux and Jade, and ends in not very good porn because I had no idea I was going to write porn and now that it's written I don't want to go back. Um, so yeah. Do you guys want a part two to the genderbending?


	13. Genderbending part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy messed up and turned Jane into a boob-less troll. Take that as you will.
> 
> Warning: Smut

“Just shtep on te pad, Janey.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea!”

“Jussht take a chill pell Janey, itll be fan.”

“Alright,” Jane cautiously stepped onto the central pad of the ectobiology machine. 

They weren’t really sure how it ended up in Roxy’s basement, but the girls figured a good way to spend their time would be to mess around with the supposedly harmless machine. Afterall, Roxy had been messing around with it for the majority of her life, and she’d never encountered any serious problems.

Jane saw Roxy press a button, and then her world went black.

***

When her world came to she had to blink a couple times. The lights seemed way to bright for some reason.

“Holy shit Janey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” Jane noticed her voice was a little lower sounding, and something just felt… off… about her. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was though.

“Sit up slowly, okay? I’m gonna give you sum wat-ter,” Roxy’s faked lisp was back in action now that she knew her lover was somewhat alright.

“What even hap-” Jane look down at her arms and instead of seeing peachy she expected, she saw planes of grey.

“ROXY!” The young woman yelled for her bestfriend in the absolute most panicked way.

“Holy shit Janey, take a deep breath,” Roxy put a way too warm hand on her girlfriend's back and helped the other girl sit all the way up.

Jane placed a hand on her chest, attempting to calm herself by feeling the breath as it entered her system before another wave of hysterics interrupted her calm.

“ROXY WHERE DID MY BOOBS GO?”

“Um, yeah, just calm down and take a drink of water please,” Roxy pressed a cup of water into Jane’s hand.

“Please start explaining,” Jane requested once she got herself calmed down enough to think rationally.

“I accidently maybe turned you into a troll dude.”

Jane gave a low groan and hid her face in her hands.

“But don’t worry,” Roxy rushed to reassure her friend, “I can fix it. It’ll just take a little while.”

“How long, Roxy?”

“A month,” The pink loving girl squeaked out.

“Well,” Jane took an especially big breath before continuing, “I suppose there’s nothing else we can do other than wait for you to fix this mess, since you are responsible for my sudden transformation. At the very least I can accept that I’m very different now. Do you think Jade would want to date me now?”

Upon receiving a horrified look from Roxy Jane clarified, “I was kidding about the Jake thing.”

“I’m really sorry though Janey,” Roxy hugged herself, “I swear I’m going to fix this.”

“For right now I think I just need to continue having a lie down and think about what has happened to me,” Jane lied back down on the bed and closed her sore eyes.

“You do that, I’m gonna start working on the machine.”

***

“Shhh,” Roxy shushed her lover softly, “You’ll be just fine.”

“Don’t shoosh me,” Jane cried, “It doesn't feel right!”

“Fell right?” Roxy attempted to get her girlfriend to open up to her.

“I can’t describe it other than just plain feeling wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, very wrong.”

“Well then how can I help you?” Roxy looked worriedly at her girlfriend.

“Touch my horns!” Jane begged.

“Your horns? Are you sure?” Roxy could clearly remember the first time she touched Jane’s horns. It resulted in a black eye.

“Yes I’m sure! Just- Ahhn~”

Roxy blushed as her girlfriend continued to make sexy noises as she used the horn rubbing to relax Jane, allowing the rest of the writhing bulge to release from it’s protective covering.

“Wow,” Roxy practically drooled on her lover, “Can I take a spin on that?”

“Mmmmh? Wha?”

“Can I please ride your bulge so hard you come everywhere and then eat you until you come again?”

“Roxy!” Jane blushed a nice shade of blue, “That sounds so filthy.”

“Well unless I suddenly developed a form of cannibalism it is filthy,” Roxy placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's stomach.

“Well, um…” Jane wriggled a little in embarrassment before giving up all pretenses of complaint, “Oh lord, fuck me into next week.”

Roxy gave the black haired girl a cat like grin before slowly sliding down the other woman’s body. She had Jane pinned under her as she lowered herself down towards the alien crotch. Roxy internally laughed at her own words. Alien? No, this was hardly alien. Strange, sure, but not completely out of the realm of normal. Then again, she had been watching alot of hentai with dirk and tenticle porn was sure to come up at some point.

Speaking of tentacles, Jane’s reached up into Roxy, causing the blonde to release a soft groan. The feeling itself was a little strange. It moved on it’s own, making any hip movements on the unnecessary side of things. Plus, unlike with strap-ons, the bulge itself hit her spots slowly, methodically, and without any need for grinding in circles.

Still, Roxy thought as she rotated her hips in slow circles, movement felt nice, and it did help that bulge hit her g-spot. Jane moaned under her. Apparently it felt just as good for the other person.

Jane groped Roxy’s small breasts, causing Roxy to let out a small groan. For the most part, Roxy was quiet in bed. She didn’t make many sounds and tended to internalize pleasure. It was always a treat to make the blonde girl groan, moan, and cry out in pleasure.

“Roxy, please,” Jane begged her girlfriend.

“What do you want baby?” Roxy dug her fingers into Jane’s new vestigial scares, causing the other girl to laugh a little.

“This is going to sound weird,” Jane warned her lover, “But I want you to putafingerinme.”

Roxy kissed her girlfriends blushing cheeks before doing just that, reaching behind their moving bodies to put a finger in the blue eyed girl’s nook.

Roxy couldn’t help but to compare the feeling of a nook to the feeling of a cunt. Jane’s nook was still just as smooth and soft as her pussy had been, and just as wet. Roxy took her finger out to lick off the blue material. It tasted much sweeter than her girlfriend usually was, like blueberries rather than indescribable Jane. The other girl blushed much harder.

“Come on Jane,” Roxy’s whisper was a little raspier than usual as she entered two fingers into Jane, “I know your feel good. Tell me how good your feeling. Please?”

“Oh fuck,” Jane closed her eyes and arched her back more, “I love how you feel on my bulge. I didn’t -mmnn- think I’d ever get to - ah - know wha that feels like.”

“Oh?” Roxy’s smirk went unseen, “And how does it feel?”

“So warm, and wet and just-” Jane screamed as she came hard. Roxy, having never felt so full, came from the sensation of her girlfriend coming inside of her.

“Oh my fuck,” Roxy slowly slid off her girlfriend, “That was fantastic.”

“Oh god, we’re soaked and covered in blue,” Jane panted but couldn’t be bothered to move.

“I promised I’d eat you out, didn’t I?” Roxy attempted to wriggle down the other’s body, but stopped near Jane’s chest.

“Yeah, no. I’m good. No thank you,” Jane yawned and pulled her girlfriend closer, so Roxy could comfortably rest her head on Jane’s chest.

Roxy yawned as well as the two girls dropped off into sleep. That was probably the best sex the two girls had in awhile.


	14. That One Time Dave Went to France

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

Dave hated airports. Security was always stupid as fuck. Like, seriously, thirteen year old boy, why do you have lotion in you carry-on? My hands get dry as fuck at high altitudes sir. Too bad little man, such it the fuck up and go about your day. We’re going to take this now. It’s not yours anymore. But I need that! Now you don’t. Bye!

Perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration, but goddamn it there was nothing worse than bleeding, sore fingers right around the nails while trying to file them down to a respectable length, or picking up luggage while bleeding from a finger. Fuck having dry hands. Bro just laughed at Dave.

***

The ride itself was rather uneventful. Ass camps, leg cramps, and any other cramp one can get from a nine hour flight. Bro actually didn’t cheap out too bad and got them business class seats. So you know, at least he didn’t have some fucker infront of him trying to get his back acquainted with Dave’s lap. That would have sucked some balls the size of Jupiter. Why yes, those balls are indeed two Jupiters. Get to work on sucken!

Dave would have been embarrassed about his word choice and metaphor use, but he had long since been trained out of any embarrassment he could possibly feel from anything that came out of his own head. Living with brow had guaranteed that it wasn’t actually that bad. Then again, he did live with a full grown man who sold sex puppets for a living. Said sex puppets were being transported to Paris as they spoke. Probably with mad cash snuck into each rear end as a bonus to the lucky winner of this year's, shit that’s probably illegal in forty-eight of the fifty states of America.

Also they didn’t go through customs when they left the airport. There just wasn’t a line or anything really. Just zip, there you go. You already went through the really long line of getting into the country. Now all you have to do is get out of the airport. Easy peasy. Customs? What are those? No lines for that I see. Bet no one goes through customs unless they have to.

Dave would never know for sure though. Instead, he’d do things apart from his brother entirely.

***

The first day of the three day vacation (technically the last day didn’t count because they’d be traveling back to Texas) both brothers went to the Eiffel Tower. Bro insisted that he had to stay in one place near the base, but that didn’t stop Dave from having fun. They had spent most of the day there, and while Dave couple play a bad game on his game boy advance (holy shit was hot wheels such a crappy game), there was only so much a boy could take. As soon as night fell, that’s when Dave struck.

A group of tourists (they all had English accents and spoke English) were just passing the two brothers when Dave snuck into the group. The guide (who had a heavy french accent) was carrying all of the tickets. Dave got lucky too, since there was an extra ticket that ended up in the group (someone must have gotten lost). A relatively quick ride to the top resulted in Dave getting quite the amazing site.

Looking out on a courtyard at night normally wouldn’t be of any interest. Especially because most courtyards aren’t lit. The yellow-orange glow however, made the site more enchanting. Dave probably just spent five full minutes staring at the view before taking an ironic selfie with the flash on. As he rode the elevator back down (without the tourist group) he posted the picture to my space for further ironic purposes.

Bro apparently hadn't been worried his brother had disappeared for at least fifteen minutes because he’d just packed up his smuppets when Dave got back. Bro, winning best parent of the year award since 2009.

***

The second day was a million times more amazing.

Bro apparently did notice and did care that Dave snuck off. That was the only explanation Dave had for why he was suddenly put on a bus with a bunch of middle aged couples going on catacomb explorations. 

Bro didn’t plan anything a head. Ever. Dave could remember exactly all the times his did not plan when he probably should have. The worst of which was the one time Bro didn’t plan for Dave to be home early one day when he was six. Yeah. That was… something. There are somethings you don’t ever need or want to know about your brother.

So Dave figured Bro just threw down a bunch of money at the travel office this morning so that Dave could go exploring catacombs. The travel guide was a really old man who had no idea what was going on. Dave could tell this because said old man claimed they were passing the Eiffel tower, when said structure was in the opposite direction. Like, excuse me sir, what do you mean we’re going past the icon of Paris? It’s thirty miles in the other direction. You can’t even see it from here.

Going inside the catacombs was rad as hell though. Rad as fuck skulls lined the walls, though Dave highly suspected the skulls were face because they seem to have aesthetic value, which most people don’t do with their dead. In one room there was a giant round structure with skulls making up every few rows. One room had a toilet which was interesting. Not a pristine white toilet. Nope. It looked like clay if Dave was perfectly honest with himself, which he had to be. The only thing he wasn’t so sure he liked was all of the christian imagery. Like really? Weren’t the catacombs for the Romani? Fucking tourist attractions. He would not find out until much later that the majority of bones in the catacombs were transferred after death, and that the catacombs themselves were dug out so that the limestone inside could be used, at the transfer of bones was the quarry’s decision.

***

The third day was awful. Bro sent him to the Louvre. Like, excuse me bro, I don’t like art that much. Yeah, excuse me bro, I don’t know anything about the art I’m about to go see. Hey, you bro, I didn’t really want to go see the art in a museum on the free day because holy shit the crowd is awful and life is about to be awful for me because people are pushing me into the museum and I don’t want to go. Yeah Bro, I would rather stay at the hotel and spend the day swimming.

Suffice to say, Dave spent the whole day taking selfies (as much as one can with the other assholes photobombing and pushing him, not to mention the paintings themselves being behind barricades), and posting said selfies on facebook. Overall, kind of a meh day. Not the best, but better than Dave thought it would turn out.

***

Overall, Dave decided that the trip had been a little on the bland side of things. Yeah he got to be a little shit and annoy a couple people by just existing as an American in France, but for the most part not much happened. It was just kind of like, here Dave, I have to take you with me on this trip because if I don’t then you’ll be by yourself for longer than I’m comfortable with.

Would Dave do the whole thing again? Yeah, Dave thought, yeah he would do that again.


	15. Dating Game Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets together to play some games, and they end with the dating game.

“Okay fuckasses,” Karkat was intertupted by a quiet mumble of ‘more like fuck your ass.’

“I heard that Harly,” said girl didn’t even blink, “We’re going to play some board games.”

John raised his hand, “But weren’t we going to watch movies?”

“Hey dumbass look around,” John blushed a little, “That’s right. The only way you can see my repugnant self is by candle light, making my already vile form just that much more vile.”

If anyone cared to listen outside they’d hear the pitter-patter of rain falling on metal roofs. The storm became a tempest so violent it had knocked out power all along the troll part of the city. What was supposed to be a cam night filled with movies became a leaking excuse for a game night. Karkat was just glad his hive didn’t actually have any leaks; most of his other troll friends only came tonight because their houses did have leaks.

“Let’s play pin the bottle!” Nepeta shouted, causing at least two cries of ‘god no’ and a general rucks.

“Guess what,” Karkat called everyone back to attention, “We’re not going to do that because actually kissing people is an invasion of personal space and I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not have to separate Sollux and Eridan if one of them lands on Feferi. Feferi, how do you feel about the matter?”

The tyrian troll blushed and gave the quiet response of “No thank you.”

“However,” Karkat looked directly at Nepeta, “I’d be more than glad to play the shipping game with everyone later tonight.”

Only a few trolls and humans groaned at that. The shipping game was actually well liked by the group because it helped them figure out what the were and were not feeling towards other members of the group. The game actually made certain individuals sure they should never be in a quadrant with other certain individuals for fear of everything turning out belly side up.

***

“Hey asshole, trade me some wood and I’ll give you food.”

“I don’t want food, KK.”

“I do! Come on Karkat, I’ll trade you!”

“Yes, because I totally want your wood John.”

Nepeta made a small half choked squealing noise.

***

“I just want to sell three apples.”

“Only three? Are you sure there’s not a chicken in there, or perhaps something else?”

“I’m Dave, the apple merchant! There’s nothing in that bag but apples!”

“Nothing Illegal?”

“You are by far the world’s more honorable sheriff. Why would I sneak anything in?”

“You wouldn’t. Welcome to Nottingham!”

“I have one cheese and two chickens.”

“Are you sure it’s just cheese and chickens, Karkeles?”

“It’s just fucking cheese and chickens!”

“The sheriff does not believe the lowly merchant. However, if the merchant were willing to offer some small pit of proof of this their goods legality…”

“Are you suggesting that such an honest and upstanding judge would accept a bribe?”

“Of course not. Welcome to Nottingham!”

“All I got chicka is an apple of most wicked desires and a motherucking wheel of cheese so round and bright it’ll made a great side to go with the apple.”

“Kindly merchant, I will need to look at your wares, unless you can convince me otherwise?”

“All I up and got in the way of convincin’ is some gorgeous motherfucking coin.”

“Usually the sheriff does not accept coin as a form of convincing.”

“But suchy plentiful ocin is offered to the most bitchtits wicked of sheriffs. Surely the sheriff could do with a little extra coin in her most glorious wallet.”

“She certainly could. Welcome to Nottingham, good juggalo.”

“I’ll pay you five coins to not even question what’s in my bag.”

“I’m afraid that you need to declare the items in your bag.”

“I do not need to declare the items in my bag.”

“Are you trying to use Jedi mind tricks on the sheriff?”

“Of course not your most noble and honest investigator. I have four cheese.”

“Four cheese you say?”

“And the five coins for you to play with.”

“I think I’ll look in your bag. And what have we here? Three mead? I’m afraid I’ll have to confiscate this and you will need to pay the fine for trying to sneak contraband in. You also did not declare your apples, so those will also have to be taken.”

“Dave, remind me never to play against Rezi.”

“You got it, John.”

***

The group of trolls and humans sat around in a circle, with Karkat in the center holding one cup of popsicle sticks, and Nepeta held the other, though she was also sitting in the circle.

“For those of you who haven’t played the shipping game yet,” Karkat started, looking directly at Sollux who usually didn’t want to participate but with the power outage had no choice, “I have the cup containing everyone’s names. Nepeta,” he gestures to the other troll, “Has the cups demanding quadrant. The person with the quadrant cup will draw quadrants and I will draw names for them. Everyone will get their name drawn at least once before we put all of the sticks back in and replace them continually.”

Karkat gave Nepeta a nod. She quickly reached into the cup, pulling out a bright blue stick.

“Flush,” she cried out, clearly way to excited.

Karkat quickly got out of the center of the circle, where all of the action would be happening, and drew a name.

He drew in a deep breath before calling out, “Sollux.”

“Wait,” he said while getting to his feet, “What are we doing?”

“Acting flushed for each other,” Nepeta replied, giving his hand a soft squeeze.

Sollux blushed gold and quickly placed a chaste kiss to her lips. With both of their faces flushed the two sat back down in the circle. Nepeta passed the cup to a glaring Equius (nobody is allowed to touch his moirail like that, NOBODY), who drew a yellow stick reading ashen.

“You will auspicious for…,” Karkat quickly drew two sticks and gave out a soft groan, “Me and Terezi.”

The three stood awkwardly in the center of the circle before Karkat burst out, “God damn it Terezi, I hate it when you leave scalemates in my hive!”

“Well you're just going to have to suck it up,” she yelled back, getting in his face.

“Excuse me if this is rather rude,” Equius put his arms between the two and pushed outwards, “but I think your squabbling is rather petty and it would behoove you to stop.”

“And what are you going to do about it bulge breath?” Karkat practically yelled in the blue blood’s face.

“I will pap both of you until you calm down and we can talk reasonably about your issues.”

At that both Karkat and Terezi threw their hands up in the universal “I’m done” motion and left the center of the circle. Equius stood in the center confused for a moment more before sitting back down and passing the popsicles to Gamzee, who had been sitting next to him.

“Black,” Gamzee called out and everyone gave a sigh of relief.

“Gamzee be black for,” Karkat had to do a doubletake at the name he drew, “Equius.”

The two stood in the center of the circle for a moment before finally Equius started stretching. Gamzee watched with a blank look for a moment before realizing what Equius was trying to make their rivalry about and doing his own impressive stretches.

“I am positive, highblood, that I can hold a basic stretch for longer than you can.”  
“Naw,” Gamzee replied, “No one has more stamina than this motherfucker.”

“Please watch your lude language,” Equius scolded, going into a squat.

“I most certainly will motherfucking not,” Gamzee replied, squatting as well.

The two trolls squatted for several minutes before Equius lost balance and planted himself butt first onto the floor.

“I guess I all up and motherfucking win,” Gamzee said, bending down to leave a small nip on Equius’s shoulder before sitting back down in the circle.

Nepeta quickly leaned over to give her moirail a hug, knowing that Equius would want some form of comfort after being shown up like that, even if it was a pretend competition.

Tavros in the meantime drew for his surprise quadrant. The popsicle he drew read flushed. Everyone held their breath as Karkat drew a name, praying that if it wasn’t Gamzee, it would be someone who wouldn’t provoke the unstable troll.

“Tavros and… Gamzee,” everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.

“How far do you want to all up and go, motherfucker?” Gamzee asked his matesprit who looked around nervously.

Giving a small shake of his head, as if trying to get a thought to flee him, Tavros grabbed Gamzee by the collar of his shirt and made passionate love to Gamzee’s mouth with his own. The higher troll groaned in pleasure, giving as much as he took. When the two trolls finally separated they were met with a round of applause from their friends before taking their places in the circle again. 

Tavros passed the cup onto Aradia, who had insisted on sitting next to her official moirail. The stick she drew read pale.

“Before Karkat draws a name stick, are you sure you're okay with me acting out a pale scene with someone other than you?” Aradia asked Tavros, concern clear in her rust coloured eyes.

“I’m sure,” Tavros said with a smile.

“Aradia pretend to be pale for... ” Karkat silently prayed the name he drew wouldn’t be a certain troll Aradia had never forgiven for hurting her moirail.

“Vriska,” Karkat groaned out.

The two trolls stood awkwardly in the center of the circle. Eventually Vriska slowly wrapped her arms stiffly around Aradia’s form. The hug was lacking any believable warmth for it to be a pale gesture. To Karkat it looked more like the perfect kismesitude hugging awkwardly after one partner recovers from a potentially deadly disease and the other partner didn’t really know how else to express their gratitude.

Both Aradia and Vriska quickly ran back to their places in the circle, as though they had been burned. Aradia passed the cup to Sollux who winced as he drew out another stick labeled as pale.

“Sollux and… Tavros,” Karkat gave a thankful sigh. If there was one person Gamzee would go shit hive maggots on for doing a pale scene with his moirail it would probably be Sollux, since the two had tried to be pale in the past. He was ridiculously happy his name had already been drawn.

As Tavros and Sollux stood in the circle facing each other Karkat tried to guess who the laali would be. Surely it would be Sollux, who’s lankiness and bipolar disorder would make him the better/obvious choice for a cuddle partner. On the other hand, Tavros lacked the self confidence to be a laasha. Plus with Sollux technically being the higher caste it would make more sense for him to be the laasha rather than the laali.

Sollux ended Karkat’s internal debate by slowly reaching out, giving Tavros plenty of time to pull away before pulling the bulkier, although shorter, troll into a protective hug. Sollux leaned down to whisper something in Tavros’s ear to which Tavros gave a small sniffle and a nod. Damn, Karkat did not remember Sollux’s hugs being that good. Then again, those two shared sort of chemistry that no one was really capable of questioning.

The two returned to their places in the circle. As Sollux passed the cup to an excited Feferi, Aradia patted Tavros’s shoulder in a comforting manner.

The stick Feferi drew read black, much to everyone’s horror.

“Feferi and... “ Karkat had to stifle a laugh, “Dave.”

Dave quickly lept into the role of being black for someone, “Your quadrants keep failing because no one can handle having you as either a moirail or a matesprit. You make everything so personal nobody wants you to auspitacize for them and you are the easily the least fussy ashen mate due to you constantly compromising yourself.”

“Well at least my lusus talks to me!” Feferi yelled back.

John jumped up and pulled Dave out of the circle before he could actually hit Feferi. Overall, Karkat mused, they could have potential chemistry, if they could figure out where not to hit.

Feferi moodily passed the cup to Eridan who drew a pale stick out.

Karkat gave an internal cheer when he pulled out the name, “John.”

John practically choked Eridan when he hugged the violet troll. Said troll looked around for help before deciding that would be a futile and wrapping his arms around John in an iron hold. John made comforting sounds as Eridan slowly relaxed in his firm hold. As the two relaxed John lowered his arms so they could wrap themselves under Eridan’s arms and around his back. Eridan allowed himself to be held to John’s chest, muttering soft words. The two gently swayed from side to side before John reluctantly let go of the seadweller. Eridan chirped in protest before his cheeks coloured with a bright violet and he sulked back to his spot in the circle. John more or less floated back to his.

Eridan passed the cup to Rose who raised an eyebrow as she called out ashen.

“Rose will be the auspisticise for… Aradia and… Jade,” Karkat tugged a little bit at his collar at the thought of how real this was likely going to look. Nepeta just clapped her hands in joy.

“Aradia, I am sincerely hurt you think your whip is better than my shotgun,” Jade rushed out, having quickly thought of something for them to be arguing about.

“My whip is by far more deadly than your gun!” Aradia crossed her arms over her chest and leaned towards the human female.

Rose, who had been standing off to the side of the two approached the girls with caution. Jade could probably bruise her cheek and while she was still reeling from the blow Aradia would put some new gashes into Jade. On the other hand, Aradia could get her whip across Rose’s belly and Jade would retaliate in some form of defense over her dear friend. This was not a situation Rose would like to be in, but she knew she had to get in there and stop them somehow.

Just as Jade was pulling back her arm for a punch directed at Aradia, Rose snapped, “This can be solved much more peacefully.”

Jade quickly dropped her arm and Aradia, who had her whip on her person at all times, let her own arm fall from her waist to her hip.

“A shotgun can kill someone the minute a bullet hits, however, given enough time a whip can just be as lethal and more painful than a bullet.

The three ladies hugged with Rose in the middle before returning to their seats. The entire group clapped at Rose’s technique, which very few thought would work. Rose passed the cup to Kanaya who drew a stick reading flush.

“Kanaya and Rose,” Karkat had drawn the stick before Kanaya had even pulled out hers.

The two women stood in the center of the circle. Kanaya stared longingly into Rose’s eyes. Was now a good time to tell their friends that they had been dating? Would there ever be a good time for that though? Now seemed just as good a time as any. Kanaya dipped her girlfriend back and while said girlfriend was still reeling from the loss of balance Kanaya pressed her lips to the other girl’s. The kiss was nothing short of dramatic.

The blushing girls went back to their places in the circle and Kanaya passed the cup to Vriska, who hadn’t felt welcome sitting elsewhere. The stick she drew read pale.

“Vriska and her pale partner… Eridan?”

No one was sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, Eridan could find the pale partner he always wanted in the haughty blue blooded girl, but on the other hand, Vriska was only really meant to be pale for John, whose literal embodiment of everything good and pure in friendship was exactly what Vriska needed in order to start hammering out her person issues.

“Vvriska,” Eridan started once he was in the center of the circle, “You are a selfish, toad kissin’, smug little wwrigler. Wwhen I see you actin’ all mean and self absorbed I feel the need to hug you and tell you things get better. They do ya know. They do get better.”

Vriska stood in shock for a moment before giving Eridan a tight squeeze. She knew she’d never be pale for a troll like Eridan, whose problems reflected her own only too well, but it was nice to hear that someone didn’t completely hate her and actually understood what her problem was without having to explain in.

Then again, she thought as she sat back down next to John, that was part of the coping mechanism. John would probe her with questions until she finally let everything she felt gush out in a very long, very painful train, only for John to sooth the hurt away like a balm to a burn. It was what she liked about John, he left it up to her to choose when she needed to jam through asking little questions.

She passed the cup to John who’s stick read flushed.

“Nepeta,” Karkat called out, quietly relieved it was wasn’t a stick reading pale. That could’ve ended horribly.

Nepeta enthusiastically pulled John to her, giving him a sloppy wet kiss to his mouth. John awkwardly allowed for her to french kiss him, internally thinking that the two of them didn’t really have any chemistry. The really didn’t and it kind of hurt the group of friends to watch Nepeta and John attempt to mash themselves into a quadrant like that.

When the two separated John sat back down and traded cups with Karkat, who would usually be sitting next to John during circumstances like these. John pulled out a name stick and waited for Karkat to draw a relationship stick.

“Who am I acting flushed for today?” Karkat asked, knowing the only two names left were Feferi and Kanaya.

“Feferi,” John said, trading cups once again with Karkat as he made his way into the circle.

Feferi placed a gentle hand on Karkat’s face and used it to lead him her her mouth, where she placed a tentative kiss against his mouth. Karkat slowly licked across Feferi’s lips, asking for entrance. She accepted in the form of parting her lips for him. The two licked and nibbled at each other's lips as their hands slowly wandered. Karkat tangled his hands into Feferi’s hair and Feferi gripped the back of his neck and his shirt near his shoulder. When the two finally separated they panted a little bit. Karkat tripped over his own feet as he exited the circle. Feferi literally bounced back into her spot in the circle, pleased to have had a good kiss with someone.

Jade pulled out a stick as she approached the circle, knowing that the only troll left was Kanaya. The stick read pale.

Jade gently patted Kanaya on the cheek before Kanaya gently brushed the other girls arm away and pulled her into a motherly hug. Jade made a happy sound as she buried herself into Kanaya’s neck. When the two girls separated Karkat put all of the names back into the cup, re-randomizing it for the group.

Dave drew the next stick reading ashen.

“Dave will auspiticise for… Gamzee and John.”

The three stood in the circle, waiting for the inevitable to just spill out. Gamzee did not disappoint.

“If you don’t stop all up and acting pale for my little motherfucker I’m gonna beat you into a pulp.”

“I don’t think it’s right for you to say who Karkat can and can’t talk to! We’re not even pale for each other you sick…” John trailed off as Dave grabbed his shoulder in a soothing gesture.

“Gamzee, by bro John here is right in that you shouldn’t be telling Kitkat who he can and can not talk to,” Dave walked around John so that he stood between the troll and the other human, facing John, “But Gamzee’s right to John. You need to cool it with the pale pheromones you keep giving off. He’s your bro, I get it, but seriously, you’re kind of a pale slut.”

All of the trolls winced at that.

The group of three hugged each other before sitting back down. Dave offered the cup to Terezi who claimed to tired to go further.

“I think it’s time we crash and burn,” Karkat called out, seeing everyone give out big yawns periodically throughout the game.

Everyone pulled out their sleeping bags/blanket and pillow and pick places to sleep. Rose and Kanaya chose to share their blankets and pillows to keep warm during the stormy night. Vriska pulled John into her two person sleeping bag, and John produced a pillow for them to share. Nepeta and Equius of course chose to share their space with each other. Aradia placed her sleeping bag between Tavros’s and Sollux’s blanket and pillow combo, each one rolling onto their side so that Sollux could bury his face into Aradia’s chest and Tavros could do the same with her back. Everyone else formed a hodge podge of troll and human pile around the four groups, filing in space wherever they could find them. Everyone slept peacefully while the tempest raged on outside the hive.


	16. Shipping Game (Round 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's play the shipping game again.
> 
> All non-human words used were created by this lovely person on tumblr: http://the-alternian-lexicon.tumblr.com/
> 
> I believe here on Archive they're Black Eyed Susan, and I think you should go check out their work. They are a lot better than I am. Also, in the previous chapter I might have used some of the therms they made and just forgot that I did, so I'd like to apologize for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Update - Starts at: Jade smiled as 
> 
> Again: All troll words came from http://the-alternian-lexicon.tumblr.com/ so please show them some love!

The next time the group of friends played the shipping game it was during a sleep-over at Nepeta’s hive. They had watched every movie Nepeta had at her hive, and she didn't have anything in the way of multiplayer games. In essence, they played the shipping game out of pure boredom.

The group of sixteen sat in a circle, Karkat actually taking a place in it rather than just standing off to the side to pull out names. Nepeta had decided that both cups (names and quadrants) would be passed together. The person who’s turn it was would draw a relationship then a name or two if it was ashen. She figured this would work well for the group of sixteen if they were going to do a couple rounds of the game.

Karkat decided he should go first, to show everyone else how it’s done. First he drew a stick reading pale. He then drew a name stick, reading Tavros. He put the relationship stick back in and left Tavros’s name out, so that everyone would have to go at least once tonight. Afterwards they’d replace the names after drawing.

Karkat stood in the center of the circle with Tavros, a troll he was supposed to be pale for. He thought about what Tavros needed. Tavros, who could light up the room with a smile alone. Tavros, who had protected the group from junkyard dogs before. Tavros, who had supported his rpg group more times than Karkat could count on two hands and two feet, needed a confidence boost. The troll had a feeling of worthlessness to himself that Karkat couldn't bear to see anymore.

“Hey Tav,” Karkat said, an idea coming to mind, “Can I see you walk in a straight line for a moment?”

Tavros gave Karkat a confused look, but trusted the other troll to know what he was doing. Tavros apprehensively walked from one side of the circle to the other, and then back to the center, shoulders slouched low and head tilted down; eyes on the floor.

“Tavros, I want you to walk from here to a side of the circle with your head up and back straight. Do you think you can do that for me?” Karkat asked.

Rather than give an answer Tavros did as Karkat asked. His chest puffed out a little more noticeably when he walked and his stride seemed more confident, every step more sure than the one previous. Tavros walked back to Karkat in the same manner, giving his friend a massive smile, which Karkat felt himself freely returning.

“How did that feel?” Karkat asked his friend.

“Fantastic. Thank you so much Karkat!” his Tavros pulled the other troll into a bear hug before taking his seat back at Gamzee’s side. Karkat passed the cups onto Equius.

“I am to pretend to be moirails with,” He paused to draw a name, “Jade.” The two then took their places in the center of the circle.

Equius felt weird, pitying a female who wasn’t his beloved cat girl. He almost wished the human girl was his kitty moirail. At least then he’d know how to calm her down and fix any problem she had. He wasn’t quite sure about how to ease the distress the human felt. If it were Nepeta all he’d have to do pat her head or scratch at the base of her horns, but humans don't come equipped with those little orange-yellow gradient bits of pleasure. Instead, they had sensitive, weak skin that he could easily harm if he weren’t careful. The thought alone of hurting the small fragile human was enough to make Equius start sweating.

He reached out slowly, decided that just because Jade wasn’t a troll didn’t mean treating her like one would hurt. Equius carefully wrapped the islander girl in his arms. He shooshed her, voice strong and caring. Jade, who had been tense in his arms the moment he pulled her in for a gentle embrace, relaxed, and even gave out a small giggle of joy. Equius smiled at her, and returned to his spot next to Nepeta.

Before passing the cups to his moirail, Equius gave the small cat girl a kiss on the cheek, as an apology for pretending to be someone else's laasha. Nepeta gave her moirail a hug before drawing a name and a relationship.

“Wrisker’s and I are going to pretend we’re flushed,” said spider girl made a disgusted face, reflecting Nepeta’s inner thoughts.

Nepeta looked at the spider girl. She hoped that her silly little bit of curiosity hadn’t attracted the other female, but perhaps it was a bit too late to take it back. After, having never had a matespritship before she hadn’t ever been kissed, and she was tired of hearing other people talk about how good kissing felt, but not really knowing why. Did pressing your lips to someone else's really feel that good?

Nepeta slowly reached out for the other troll girl, who leaned down to meet the shorter trolls height. In doing this the two smacked their lips together in a very painful way. Never mind, Nepeta thought as she sat back down in the circle and passed the cups onto Sollux, who she had developed a flush crush for. Clearly she had someone better.

Sollux drew in a deep breath and pulled out a name and a relationship, “EQ, you need to get back in the thircle. We’re pale now.”

Sollux looked into Equius’s blue eyes with a fair bit of guilt. He was taking his flush raasan moirail, but really, he couldn’t help how he felt. It was like one of KK’s messed up rom-coms. But oh, the thought of being wrapped in those strong arms-

Sollux internally puked a bit. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t make himself pretend he was pale for his raasan moirail. There was nothing wrong with the sweaty horse guy to be exact, but it didn’t feel right. For one, Sollux had never been turned on by cold sweaty bodies, which stunk worse than a skunk in heat spraying the area with nasty trash fluid. Also, Sollux didn’t think the best way to convince Nepeta to be his matesprit was to flirt with her moirail. He let the giant blue troll give his cheek a small pap before rushing back into the circle and shooting Nepeta an apologetic look. The cat girl just waved her hand in his direction, motioning that it was fine and all was forgiven.

Feferi was passed the cups by her ja matchuli’s moirail. She internally giggled at herself for thinking of her matesprit like that, but she’d be hard pressed to find a troll she didn’t think of as more precious than the rust blooded girl. That second thought made Feferi scowl a the cup as she drew names. How dare she think of someone she cared for in such demeaning terms. Aradia was a garnet, not rusty metal.

Feferi gave a sigh of relief when she pulled out the auspistice stick. She’d hate to pretend to be flushed for someone other than her ja matchuli.

“I will auspitacise for,” the sea dwelling girl pulled out two names, “Gamzee and… Sollux?”

Feferi stood to one side of the two trolls. She wasn’t sure what they were going to do, but she could practically feel the heat of their anger from where she stood. The hated each other with a rage so strong it dwarfed the black feelings of the Condescension and the Psionic. Feferi gave a small shudder. Even that black relationship hadn’t been healthy, but it hadn’t hurt anyone else. This was by far worse. Gamzee could easily use his chucklevoodoo to make Sollux piss himself with fear. Sollux could just as easily use his psionic powers to shove Gamzee through a wall. That also wouldn’t have been good.

“Hey asshole, I bet I can do more damage than you,” Sollux threatened.

Feferi had to act fast. Before Gamzee could reply, she pushed her way between them and brought them both to her chest. This was probably way more presumptuous than she cared to be most of the time, and this was by in large way too public, but she had to do something. She shooshed the mish’a before sending them on their way. She might not be a good auspistice for them forever, but she just saved her friend’s home, and wasn’t that better than having a new relationship.

Feferi sat back in the circle and passed the cup to Eridan, who she still felt uncomfortable around. After their failed moirallegiance, Feferi wondered if Eridan didn’t just see her as the pretty object he so often called her.

Eridan accepted the cups from the woman he did not consider his hlyuuna. Perhaps he should amend that to the woman he did not just think of as his hlyuuna. Feferi would always be special in his eyes, no matter where their quadrants stood.

He declared himself back for Terezi for the group of friends. Perhaps even with the destruction of one quadrant, granted not a very important quadrant, he could fill a different one. He hopped that he could leave a strong impression of how romantic he could be as a black partner.

Once both he and Terezi both stood in the center of the circle Eridan gave the law abiding troll the most sharp grin he could muster, completely forgetting that said troll was blind.

“Hey Pasharru,” Eridan said.

Everyone blushed their colours. From behind Terezi he could see that at least one of the humans looked confused. Terezi herself flushed bright teal. Eridan too by far too much pride in his ability to rile up his supposed black partner. So much pride, in fact, that he didn’t see her fist come flying towards him. Eridan’s newly split lip spilled forth blood, which Terezi of course didn’t lick better. The teal blood then stomped back to her place in the circle and sat so close to Dave he could wrap his arms around her comfortingly.

Eridan passed the cups to John, who was blushing quite badly. The sea troll supposed Vriska had told her moirail why all of the trolls were blushing.

John drew a name and a relationship out of the cup. He was super excited to see if he got anyone he knew. Right before the session he and Vriska went over troll words which are appropriate to say in public as pet names for one’s quadrants. He honestly hadn’t been surprised Terezi punched Eridan. Still, he was already planning a good prank involving shaving cream and hair dye for the massive douche which was the male sea troll.

John of course knew he’d end up forgiving the sea troll. Afterall, Eridan was one of his friends, and what would John do without someone like Eridan in his life teaching him what not to do in every and any situation.

“Karkat and I,” John said, trying to avoid spacing out too bad, “in kismesitude.”

John gave the shouty troll a big smile, which apparently the troll took offense to because the red-blooded troll scowled and glared in John’s direction. John figured that if he was going to pretend to be black for the troll, he’d not try especially hard to make the other smile. Perhaps after the shipping game though? Karkat did deserve to feel happy at least once in awhile, and John was more than happy to make the troll laugh. Now was not the time for that though. Now was the time to pretend he and the cancer were rivals.

“Listen Thresos,” John said, getting within Karkat’s striking range, “I find you a perfectly hateable troll, but if you don’t start pranking back I’m going to start thinking you don’t really like me.”

Pranking? Really? Couldn’t he think of something better than an issue with Karkat not returning pranks? An Egbert prank war was certainly nothing to scoff at. John knew some pretty elaborate pranks that were certain to piss off trolls. He knew about these pranks because Vriska had been on the butt end of them 99% of the time. The other 1% was obviously either Kanaya, or Terezi when they stopped by his house with either Rose or Dave. John would’ve liked to include Feferi, but that girl was simply too good at avoiding traps and the like.

“How many times do I have to tell you John, I don’t give a pungent nook chaffing fuck about your stupid ass pranks. You know what I do that I’m better at and actually care about?”

“Um…” John really didn’t know, “Shipping?”

“That’s Nepeta’s thing you ignorant shit sponge. Don’t you even care enough about me to know that I’m not a shipper?” Karkat got in John’s face.

John rolled his eyes at Karkat’s antics. Of course he knew the troll’s interests. All of them.

“You’re not better at strife than me, and if we ever did try to strife each other I’d drag Kanaya in as an auspistice,” John informed Karkat.

“Why, ‘cause you’d think you’d lose?” Karkat smirked at John.

“Because then we’d be risking damage to other’s property and I don’t think that’s a good thing for kismaysisass to do.”

“It’s kismesises you prickling, diarrhea spewing, bulge licker,” Karkat informed rather frankly.

“Thresos,” John said firmly, getting Karkat’s attention, “my initial point still stands. You’ve been acting like you don’t really want me anymore.”

Rather than verbally answering, Karkat punched John in the mouth with his own mouth. John was hesitant at first, having never kissed anyone before, let alone a kismesis. When Karkat punctured John’s bottom lip with a harsh nip however, John took quite quickly to biting Karkat’s mouth. At one point John thinks he bit Karkat’s tongue.

When the two separated, everyone around them was blushing. Karkat kept a tight hold on John’s shoulders though, telling him he wasn’t allowed to go yet.

“If you ever doubt me again,” Karkat panted, “Just come back here, dzu, and tell me you don’t think I want you.”

With that Karkat went back to his place in the circle. Vriska nudged John’s side and winked in his direction when he sat by her agian. John blushed and passed the cups to her, making Vriska laugh.

Vriska quickly drew both a name and a relationship. Honestly, the only reason she even bothered playing this really lame game with no obvious winner was because John insisted on playing the asinine game himself, and he always asked Vriska to go with him whenever he went out. Not participating would have made her seemed like some kind of loser who's so afraid of others she can’t even play some stupid game where it didn’t even matter if one person kissed another.

“Feferi, you’re my m8sprit now,” Vriska teased the tyrian troll.

When both females stood in the center of the circle Vriska decided to once again do what she always did, not pull her punches. She leaned in quickly, but very carefully, afterall, giving the audience a peep show would only be fun if her partner was into it. Vriska noticed Feferi glanced her her right before leaning the rest of the way in to start kissing. Vriska would remember that for later.

The kiss itself was kind of strange. Not bad, just strange. Feferi’s lips were softer than Vriska’s own, and tasted slightly salty from the chips she’d been eating prior to playing the game, while Vriska was sure her mouth was sweet from sipping the soda John got her just a few minutes before. He left sometime between Sollux’s turn and Feferi’s turn. Feferi’s curves pressed firmly against Vriska’s long planes of well muscled core. If the two had been hugging, Feferi’s boobsd probably would have been in Vriska’s B-cups. Leaning down so much in itself made the kiss a little awkward. This was not an unusual occurrence however. Well, kissing Feferi was. Leaning down was something Vriska often had to do if she wanted to kiss John without being in the pile.

When the two separated a trail of spit connected them. Vriska used her thumb to wipe the spit away, while Feferi pretended it didn’t exist. The two girls went back to their places in complete silence. When Vriska sat, she thought she saw Aradia shooting daggers at the spidery troll with her eyes. Vriska smirked at the other girl, figuring out exactly what was happening between the tyrian troll and the rust blooded girl.

Kanaya accepted the cups from Vriska, wishing for the extravaganza to be over and done with. The only reason she was there was to please her matesprit. The human hadn’t wanted Kanaya to feel excluded from the group, and had expressly invited her better half. Kanaya had felt it would have been rude to not accept and come along since she didn’t really have anything else she could be doing other than making a new outfit.

“Apparently Aradia and I are black for each other,” the elegant troll said before standing and taking her place in the center of the circle with the burgundy troll.

The two girls stood in the center, trying to think of something to get in an argument about. The problem that Kanaya found in trying to think of something was that she and Aradia just didn’t share many interests, just friends. And sure, Aradia was a lovely person in Kanaya’s opinion, but they didn’t really share anything in common. Perhaps if Kanaya tried to make Aradia wear an ugly dress, or something pretty but impractical? Yes, that could work.

“You hate the ball gown I made you, don’t you?” Kanaya accused.

“I really could care less about it,” the other female monotoned.

“Well then why don’t you ever wear it?” Kanaya got in Aradia’s face.

“Am I supposed to wear it on a dig? How about when I go adventuring in the forest? On a flarping mission? It’s not even practical to wear as a costume for a role-play game,” Aradia argued back.

“The gown in an exquisite asset to your princess costume!” Kanaya gave Aradia a soft nudge to the shoulders, which Aradia took a couple steps back from.

Kanaya had a brief moment of worry that she had actually nudged her friend harder than she intended, before Aradia said, “Shove me again like that and I’m sure you won’t like the consequence.”

Kanaya shoved the girl again before a fist came flying in her direction, which Kanaya narrowly avoided. Karkat blew a whistle and the two girls separated. Aradia apologized for attempting to punch the jade troll and after receiving an acceptance of the apology the two ladies sat back down in the circle.

Rose accepted the cups from Kanaya, not particularly eager to go on the heels of what had almost been an actual fight. Still, it would be rude to excuse herself and Kanaya now that the game had already started. How many of her friends would she be disappointing by not going through with her unspoken promise?

“John and are are going to pretend we have a thing for eachother now,” Rose simply stated as she took her place in the center.

“Like a romantic thing?” John asked as he stood in front of her.

“Yes John, pretend we are dating. That is a thing we are going to do now.”

John actually gave her a slightly pained look before lining in brushing his lips against her cheek. Apparently John was only down for kissing if it were Karkat, or if it were another male. Or at least, that’s what Rose would have gotten out of John’s reaction to doing that if she hadn’t already known better. It was entirely more likely that John was reminded of his once fervent, now only a pile of burned wood crush on Rose.

As John lifted away, Rose wrapped her arms around John’s neck.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Rose asked, petulant smile on her face.

“Um… no where?” John carefully wrapped his arms around Rose’s waist.

Rose tugged John down to rest her lips against his, a mockery of a kiss. The two separated quickly, and returned to their seats. Kanaya draped a possessive arm around Rose, which the human female did not feel inclined to push away, or act as though it was an unwanted gesture. Perhaps if Rose hadn’t just teased John like that it would have been entirely uncalled for. Still, Rose found she liked when Kanaya was a little more possessive of her. It made her feel wanted and safe. Rose added that to the mental checklist of everything wrong with her that she’d need to talk to Kanaya about at some point before passing the cups to Dave.

Dave rolled his eyes as he pulled a name and a relationship out. These combinations were never really intersting. How was he supposed to have a random pairing if it was never really random? When he read the name on the stick however, he became intensely interested.

“Eridan, be my kismesayasis!” Dave proposed loudly on one knee once he was in the center of the circle.

“Wwatever,” Eridan rolled his eyes at the texan boy.

“Don’t say whatever to me you pathetic excuse for a seawater drinking troll!” Dave attempted to pick a fight.

“I’ll say wwhatevver I wwant you ugly fuckin’ failure of a rapping white person!” Dave didn’t particularly feel one way or the other about Eridan’s comment. He’d heard much worse about his rapping.

“Is that the best you got?” Dave asked, raising an eyebrow.

Dave got punched in the mouth with Eridan’s mouth. Pretty much literally. As soon as Eridan kissed Dave, he had to pull away from the fact that their teeth clashed so painfully.

Eridan shoved Dave away and stormed back to his place in the circle, cape flaring behind him. Dave had to be mildly impressed with Eridan’s ability to be so flamboyant and yet so straight. Dave sat back down in the circle and passed the cups to Terezi, not that it was really needed. There wasn’t really anyone left.

The law pulled out a relationship stick, noticing that there were only four names left. Upon seeing that the quadrant was red she pulled out a name and cursed violently in her head. If she made it out alive she’d be impressed. And Kanaya was such a possessive troll too.

Terezi just held Rose’s hand for five minutes before sitting back down. The shipping game wasn’t fun when you knew that your ‘partner’s’ partner was more than willing to kill anyone who played the game. Whether that game was literal or figurative it didn’t really matter.

Gamzee accepted those motherfucking cups into his space like he accepted faygo and miracles. He drew a relationship and then two motherfuckers who all up and needed someone to keep them civil for the sake of the entire group.

“Mothefucking Catsis and day walking sis are gonna be my Mish’a.”

The trolls blushed at his wording, but nobody was really opposed to such an apt word being used. Afterall, they kind of were wrigglers compared to the hulking troll.

As soon as the two ladies got in the center they started arguing about something. Gamzee didn’t really catch what it was, having zoned out while getting his think on of miracles and how serendipitous this would if it were real. Gamzee may have been a slow troll, but he didn’t for one second believe that this game was anything more than just that, a game.

“Catsis you need to all up and mother fucking breath,” Gamzee started, “And Vampsis you also need to all up and get your undead breath on. Shit sister, you’re tenser than a motherfucker ‘bout to all up and mother fuck.”

Kanaya blushed a really nice jade color. All soft and warm. And so attractive on her eligant features. Gamzee couldn’t resist the urge to all up and put a hand on that nice cheek, to hide it from the rest of the world and keep it all to his motherfuking self.

“I got a nice hard pile for us to enjoy back at my hive,” Gamzee stated, “if you all up and want that?”

The girls flushed and muttered excuses about it being to soon before going back to their places in the circle. Gamzee shrugged before doing the same. He could all up and chill with his sisters later.

Tavros accepted the cups, but only drew for a relationship, he knew who was left and upon seeing the relationship was grateful it was not a quadrant that could have been plausible at one point. He did not need Gamzee to be jealous.

“Dave and I are going to pretend to be moirails,” Tavros stood awkwardly in the center of the circle.

“Dude, if we’re moirails I’m gonna need to see you relax,” Dave pushed down on Tavros’s shoulders, forcing them into a more relaxed position.

“Maybe I’d be calmer if we rapped?” Tavros suggested, hopeful tone in his voice.

“let us rap  
says the dude who'll pap  
reachin' for his cool red cap” Dave smirked and plopped said cap on his head.

“i'LL BRING THE FIRE  
aND I'LL BRING THE FLAME  
tHE SITUATION'S ABOUT TO GET DIRE  
aDMIRE THE, uH,,, sHAME  
I'M ABOUT TO LAY DOWN ON YOUR DAME” Tavros flushed bright bronze.

“if it's all the same  
i'll take a name  
how 'bout your god's name in vain?  
oh and by the way  
i really must say  
you've got nothin' goin' on in your brain” Dave nodded his head, leaning back with his arms crossed and gave Tavros a, what-you-gonna-do-about-it look.

“i GOT NOTHING GOING ON IN THE BRAIN,  
wHO LED YOU ASTRAY ON THE PLAIN WE TOOK TO SPAIN,  
wHAT ABOUT THE GOLDEN CHAIN  
i SET UP IN FLAME,  
iT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO FIRE DAVE  
aND NOT ONE WHICH CAN BE QUENCHED WITH A WAVE  
sO YOUR COMPLAINTS SHOULD BE SAVED  
'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO ROOM FOR,,, uH,,, yOUR CAVE OF COMMENTS” Tavros winced at his closing line. It was just so awful.

Dave himself winced as he said his next lines, “i'm gonna comment  
on this atomic nonsense  
you dumb om-e-let”

“sTUPID OM-E-LET  
wOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR IT  
sO SUCK A BRONZE DICK” Tavros flushed harder at the sentence he jst uttered.

“feeling better tav?  
i suggest you sit down  
don't kiss the clown please” Dave flopped back into his spot in the circle. Tavros collected all of the name sticks, passed the cups to Aradia, and pretended he didn’t want to kiss his clown.

“Oh Dave,” Aradia called teasingly, “I’m gonna need you to pretend your kismesitude with Eridan is endangering others so I can step in and help everyone.”

“Jeez, conceited much?” Eridan complained as he stood on one side of the adventurous troll.

“Dude, seriously?” Dave got in Eridan’s face, “Lay off, she’s more troll than you’ll ever be!”

“Oh, did my suggestion hurt the littlest Strider?” Eriand said quzzaciously.

Aradia internally laughed at her word choice. Quzzaciously? That’s a word only Rose would use. Such a rare word too. Aradia supposed her time spent around Rose left an unintentional impact.

”Mish’a,” Aradia got both boy’s attentions, “What’s really going on here?”

“Nothing!” both boys snapped at the burgundy troll.

“Now I know you’re lying,” Aradia poked Dave’s stomache, “What’ the matter?”

Dave hunched in on himself to protect his vitals, “Eridan tried to use a doom machine on John and I.”

“Eridan?” Aradia turned to look at siad troll.

“Davve’s tellin’ lies. I did not do that! The problem is that I flirted wwith John. I just… John’s…” Eridan started getting teary eyed.

“Dave?” Aradia pulled Eridan to her shoulder for a hug.

“You aren’t worthy of him!” Dave glared at Eridan.

“You don’t get to decide that!” Aradia shot Dave a glare, “The only one who can decide that is John. Say sorry mish, for trying to get in Eridan’s way of quadrant mates.”

“Sorry,” Dave mumbled, had aimed at the ground.

All three trolls sat back down. John shot Dave a questioning look. Dave just rolled his eyes. Aradia passed the cups to Jade after replacing the names.

Jade accepted the cups from one of her favorite trolls. Tav, she and Karkat got along better than Bee anc and irradiated steaks, but her absolute favorite had to be the fish princess. The tyrian troll just understood Jade’s constant bubbly attitude better than most trolls and humans.

Jade pulled out a relationship and then two names.

“How fortunate,” Jade smiled wide, “I’ll be auspitasizing between Tavros and Vriska!”

The green-eyed girl bounced into place between Vriska and Tavros, who were already glaring at each other. Jade waited anxiously for one of them to start talking. She was never very good at starting these sort of situations. What would she even say?

“Jade,” Tavros turned to said girl, “please tell Vriska that Gamzee and I are very happy and don’t want her to intervene.”

“Well tell Tavros that I'm the better match,” Vriska crossed her arms over her chest and jutted out a hip, “Since I’m not a stoned clown!”

“Vriska, that was uncalled for and you need to apologize right now!” Jade gave the cerulean troll a significant look, “Gamzee makes him happy and you need to respect that.”

“But-” Vriska was cut off my Jade.

“But nothing! You don’t get to say who Tav gets to be with. You had him as a matesprit and it fell apart. I thought you both agreed you were happier without each other. What changed?”

“He dumped me for a stupid clown who gets high all the time. It’s embarrassing!” Vriska shot daggers at Tavros.

“Why?” Jade was genuinely confused. Why was the confident spidery troll so bothered by the fact Tavros wanted to date someone who was practically the antonym of everything Vriska was? And then like a big red meteor, it hit Jade.

“Tavros moving on is not a statement about you, Vriska! He’s not saying a juggalo is better than you. It’s just that he’s happier with Gamze. Thier personalities mesh better, that’s all,” Jade pulled the cerulean blooded troll into a warm hug.

When the two females separated everyone once again re-claimed their seats. Jade passed the cups to Karkat, completing one round of the game.

Karkat groaned as he pulled out a name after the relationship. Really? Really? How could anyone hate this troll? Other than Vriska that was. Vriska was a crappy person in general though, and Karkat just assumed she hated everyone. Besides, Kanaya was simply to sweet to really feel competitive towards. Unless it’s all about out nicing each other.

“Okay Kanaya,” Karkat wrung his hands together, “Let’s be darker than night.”

“Darker than the depths of the oceans,” Kanaya echoed back.

Katkat had to think hard about what pitch thing he wanted to say. Be too hateful and you have a tearful Kanaya. Be too kind and you leave yourself open to attack. It’s all a matter of choosing just the right thing.

“You look like you crawled out of the most putrid, sludge filled swe,” Karkat smirked, knowing that was something Kanaya could take seriously, but wouldn’t be a sore spot.

“Well at least I have my matespritship with Rose. As I recall, your moirailship with Gamzee is falling apart at the seams,” Kanaya crossed her arms over her chest.

“Shut up Kanaya, you don’t know anything!” Karkat pretended his and Gamzee’s relationship wasn’t a sore spot of his, “Besides, you were the nook sniffer who decided fucking Vriska would be a fantastic idea.”

“At least I have fucked someone,” the jade troll replied without missing a beat, “And it wasn’t Vriska, either.”

“Pft,” Karkat rolled his eyes, “What the fuck ever. At least I have a moirailship. You can’t even manage that much.”

“Vriska and I split frr our own reasons,” Kanya glared at Karkat, “And since you've never had anyone other than Gamzee you don’t get it, do you?”

“Fuck you,” Karkat got in Kanaya’s face, “Just because Gamzee and I are complicated doesn’t mean we aren’t happy. It’s a process. Like anything in life, there is work that needs to be done, on both sides.”

“But shouldn’t it be easy?” Kanaya raised an eyebrow at Karkat, “Should the two of you just… mesh in a way that makes sense. If only ever to the two of you?”

“Kanaya,” Karkat backed a slightly away and gave Kanaya a sad look, “Every relationship takes a little work. No two people think exactly the same. Now two people have the same oddities. That’s why relationships are interesting. It’s about finding someone who’s crazy complements your own. It’s not about being perfect and always getting along, it’s about being able to understand one another without wanting to tear someone apart because every once in awhile you don’t actually want to look at a mirror. You want to look at something else.”

And that’s when Kanaya hugged him. Not in a black way, demanding that he hug back or digging her claws into his shoulders, but in a soothing way. She rubbed slow circles into his back.

When the two sat back down everyone had to schooch a little bit so that Karkat could sit next to Gamzee, since the little red troll decided he couldn’t bear to sit anywhere else. The cups however got moved around so that the technical next person could go ahead and draw names.

Equius sweated more heavily than usual as he said, “Ardia, please stand with me in the circle. We are to be matesprits.”

The blue blooded troll nervously reached a hand out for the burgundy troll. She grasped his sweaty hand with her own smaller, warmer hand. Equius pulled on his partner's arm, getting her to place a hand on his shoulder. Gently, in a barely there touch, Equius placed his hand on her ip. Then they began to dance.

It wasn’t really anything impressive. Just a simple box-step since Equius was certain Aradia had never waltzed with anyone before (how shocked he was to later find out that Aradia and Feferi danced together quite frequently and both were very good at it). For a moment Equius allowed himself to get lost in the movement of how he and Aradia moved together so… methodically. Peacefully. Like they were two pieces of a puzzle coming together in just the right way.

And then he remembered everything. How he had failed Aradia in all ways. All of the ways. He had been controlling, and frankly abusive in his actions. He had tried to keep Aradia all to himself, and that inevitably pushed her away. How he had always made demands on her time, which hadn’t been fair. He’d never raised a hand to her (something he would never do to anyone), but he was sure that sometimes in their stiller moments he’d still managed to hurt her with his unbridled strength.

The pair stopped dance and sat back down in the circle. Equius a little more mournful than Aradia. Apparently those feelings he thought he’d gotten over and talked out with Nepeta really hadn’t gone away. Perhaps tomorrow he and the catgirl should jam about resurfacing feelings. Surely Nepeta, kind, sweet, caring, always there for him, Nepeta wouldn’t mind to much.

Speaking of cat girls, Nepeta accepted her cups from Equius readily. Ships ahoy, she told herself as she pulled out a relationship and names.

“Guess who’s popular?” Nepeta jumped into place in the center of the circle, “Tavros and Vriskers you’re up again.”

Nepeta instantly pulled both of them into a hug. She was completely certain she didn’t want to get involved in whatever those two wanted to fight about this time. She was so certain, in fact, that she decided to just not bother. She hug the two trolls and then sent them back to their places. She passed on the cups once she sat back down in the circle.

Sollux took the cups and drew a relationship and two names. He snickered to himself over what he was about to do. Really? These two people couldn’t even think of kismesitude without crying, he was sure. Plus this technically counted as quadrant confusion, didn’t it? But it would so fucking fun to do anyway.

“John, Nepeta, get up. We’re doing thith.”

As soon as everyone was put in place, Nepeta hissed to John, “I’m going to scratch your eyes out you stupid pig.”

“I will cut open your face with my swiss army knife, and you won’t even know what hit you,” John growled back.

“Guyth,” Sollux wrapped an arm around each of them, “Thith threat of bodily harm needth to thop. Nepeta, Equiuth thinkth you’re actually in danger. And John, Dave wanth you to know that he’th worried for your thafty too. Tho pleathe, thop.”

Both teens hugged Sollux before going back to their places in the circle. Nepeta gave Sollux a disgusted look, which to be fair he deserved.

Feferi took one look at the name she drew, and the quadrant before passing both on without doing a turn. Matespritship with Eridan, even in a false capacity, wasn’t something she wanted anything to do with. As a moirail he hadn’t listened to her, and he was possessive; a jealous creature to be sure. A matespritship with someone like that would one cause more issues. She wanted Eridan to be happy, but not at the cost of her own happiness.

Eridan gave Feferi a worried look, but drew anyway. He knew that he fucked his moirailship with her up. He’d known for a very long time that he had. He had been told once or twice that it was just so much work to be his friend. He was trying to get better, but he didn’t think his relationship with the other sea dweller would ever get better.

“Equius, wwe’re gonin’ to be kismesises noww,” Eridan announced and strode into the circle as if he owned it.

Equius instantly bit into Eridan’s shoulder. No pretense of having something to argue about. There really wasn’t anything, Eridan guessed, that they could have fought over. Eridan was never interested in Equius’s or Nepeta’s quadrants for real, and Equius had a submissive slave streak the size of Texas. The sun? Jupiter? The point was that Eridan knew that he wouldn’t be able to take a kismesitude with Equius seriously in any sort of capacity.

Once Eridan was sufficiently bleeding from his shoulder, the two returned to their seats. No one moved to help Eridan patch up his shoulder, though it looked as though Feferi wanted to.

John accepted the two cups from Eridan. He felt bad for Eridan, but he wasn’t sure if he’s help would be welcomed. Poor Eridan didn’t deserve to feel as though he’d been ostracised. Sure, he’d been a terrible friend in the past, but he was trying to be better. And trying was 90% of the battle in John’s eyes. He quickly pulled some large band-aids from his back pocket and gave them to Eridan, hiding the passing of the bandages by standing up.

“Nepeta, we’re going to pretend to be matesprits now.”

“Oh John,” Nepeta said once she stood inside the circle, “You make my little kitty kokoro go doki doki. Catch me!”

Nepeta promptly swooned into John’s strong arms. He held her up as though she weighed nothing, which for any other human would have been hard since she was the second most dense troll thus one of the heavier ones. Even Equius would have been lighter than her. Still, John held her steady in his grasp. After a few moments the two separated and returned to the circle.

John passed the cups to Vriska, who drew morailegence with Feferi. Internally Vriska groaned. She’d never felt anything for the fishy princess, and anyone who thought otherwise would just have to suffer the consequences. Still, this stupid game was one she wasn’t going to back down from. Flashes of the kiss she’d shared with Feferi earlier filled her brain, reminding her that once again she’d need to do something drastic.

“Get up Feferi, we’re pale now,” Vriska grinned with all of her teeth.

“Don’t worry Fishka,” Feferi giggled as she stood up, “I don’t really think you’re pale as sea-foam for me.”

“Shut up and get over here!” Vriska snapped.

“Shoosh you big baby,” Feferi petted Vriska’s hair once they were both in the center of the circle.

_No_ , Vriska thought, _I’m supposed to be the one papping!_

The hair-petting session was over all too quickly, and Feferi returned to her seat before Vriska could do anything in return. With a frustrated groan, Vriska returned to her spot in the circle. She then passed the cups to Kanaya.

Kanaya stretched her stiff muscles before announcing, “Sollux and Karkat.”

Kanaya stood as relaxed as possible as the two males approached her, slightly tense. She’d assumed that they’d already aired out all of their issues a long time ago, leading to a rather peaceful platonic friendship. Whatever either of them said it was sure to drive a new wench between them, causing a shit ton of heartache for the rest of the group.

“Listen piss breath,” Karkat snarled, “I know who you’re flushed for, and I don’t think you’re treating them right.”

“You think you can do better?” Sollux snarled in turn, anger causing his eyes to spark.

Kanaya was quick to raise her hands and shoosh the two into peaceful calm. This lead Karkat to apologize for being rude about Sollux’s quadrants, obviously Karkat doesn’t feel that way about Sollux’s matesprit. Shortly after they all returned to their seats.

Rose winced as she drew a kismesitude stick. She didn’t really feel black for anyone, and she was doing a human quadrant thing with Kanaya anyway. Hatred was easy for her to feel for others, but these were her friends, all of which she liked too much to feel true rage for. Even if some of her friends were more vexing than others. However, after drawing a name stick, Rose reconsidered her position of not feeling unbridled rage for some of her friends.

“Karkat and I in kismesitude,” Rose promptly reported to the center of her circle of friends.

“I don’t think you really hate me,” Rose said as soon as Karkat joined her.

“Oh really?” Karkat challenged, getting in Rose’s face.

“You admire me to much. My cunning, Karkat, stop giving me that look. You admire my cunning. Or have you forgotten, you said as much last night after I-”

“Shut up,” Karkat was quick to snap his fangs in Rose’s face, “Go sit back down.”

Rose did so, with a smirk.

Dave chuckled as he grabbed the cups. Honestly, Rose sucked at putting on a good show with Karkat. At least with troll couples, he could enjoy watching them take a bite out of each other, but when a human got involved, everyone received a ticket to cautious ville, and no, you can’t return your ticket to watch some primo ass kicking.

Dave smirked as he grabbed a name and a relationship stick. It was officially time to give the trolls the time of their lives.

“John, dude, let’s be pale.”

“Why are you so weird?” John complained as he entered the center of the circle.

“You’re the weird one,” Dave fluttered his eyes at John, “But it’s cool. We can just talk about your weirdness.”

“No, we should talk about your lame rapping skills,” John wrapped his arms around Dave’s shoulders to bury his face in Dave’s neck.

“You’re so warm,” Dave wrapped his arms around John’s waist, “How the fuck do you get so warm?”

“By not cuddling a being that’s essentially fifteen degrees colder than me,” John rolled his eyes.

“But you cuddle a being whose eighteen degrees colder than you, darling,” Dave whined, “And in terms of tsumetai she’s a million times colder than you.”

“Wow, dick,” John laughed as he separated from Dave to bath the man with sunglasses on the cheek, “You’re just bitter because I like her.”

“Mmh,” Dave gave an exaggerated groan of pleasure, “Maybe.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Vriska called from her spot in the circle, “Get back to your separate parts of the circle!”

“Whatever,” Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades before both he and John returned to their spots.

Terezi giggled as she took the cups from Dave. She'd greatly enjoyed hearing the dis he’d given Vriska. She didn’t stop giggling until she pulled out a name and the relationship. She contemplated lying about which relationship stick she’d gotten, or even substituting the name for someone else, but that would be against the rules, and as a rule abiding lady, that would go against her moral code.

“Come on Gamzee,” Terezi planted herself in the middle of the circle, leaning forward on her cane, “We’re flushed now.”

“All right chicka,” Gamzee responded as he joined her.

“I can’t feel my face when I’m with you Gamzee,” Terezi chuckled, “And I love it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Gamzee smirked, wrapping his arms around Terezi, “You’ll never be alone.”

“I suppose not,” Terezi laughed before kissing Gamzee’s nose.

The two were prompt to separate, insult each other a little, and then go back to their places in the circle.

Gamzee chuckled as he accepted the cups from Terezi. He was quick to pull out a name and a relationship, not wanting to prolong the game. The sooner they got done with the game, the sooner he and Tavros could sleep next to each other.

“Hey Vriska,” Gamzee grinned evilly at the spidery girl, “Let’s make some dark hate.”

“Is that supposed to woo me?” Vriska rolled her eyes and the juggalo.

“If I were tryin’ to woo you, you’d know spider sis,” Gamzee replied, before taking a bite out of Vriska’s shoulder.

Vriska was quick to slam a fist into Gamzee’s side, causing him to grunt in pain, but he didn’t release his hold on the cerulean girl. He poured all of his hatred for what she’d done to Tavros into his bite. When Vriska was finally able to shake him off, her metallic arm was dented, but not sparking, nor broken like Gamzee had hoped. The two then returned to their places in the circle. Gamzee wasn’t completely happy until Tavros wrapped an arm around him.

Tavros took the cups from Gamzee once he unwound himself from around the tall high blooded troll. He contemplated how to play the sticks he got, whether he’d let the person he drew the name of do the majority of the work, or if he should take on more of the work. Gamzee wouldn’t have an issue with the quadrant Tavros had gotten, and at the end of the day, wasn’t that what he’d been hoping for.

“Nepeta, you and I are moirails,” Tavros’s voice came out as a croak.

“Aww, are you nervhiss?” Nepeta cooed softly as she approached the center.

“Sort of,” Tavros rubbed his shoulder, “Nervous is my normal state of being though.”

From the corner of his eye, Tavros could see John making a motion at Vriska to not say anything. Just imagining the expression Vriska was pulling made Tavros scratch at his hand, tension making his back stiff.

“Shhhhh,” Nepeta soothed while petting the brown blooded troll’s face, “It’s okay. You don’t need to be so nervhiss.”

“This isn’t helping,” Tavros looked at Nepeta with wide, watery eyes, “Can you sing to me.”

“How about I hum?” Nepeta winced, “I don’t have a good singing voice.”

“Dying meow beasts?” Tavros questioned.

“Dying meow beasts,” Nepeta nodded with certainty.

Nepeta started humming softly, and it wasn’t terrible sounding, though one could never tell when it came to humming. As the cat girl hummed to Tavros, she rocked him back and forth gently. By the time the two separated, Tavros was certainly more relaxed than he had been.

Aradia gave Nepeta a mock glare as she retrieved the cups from Tavros. At the very least it would get a few laughs out of everyone else before she had to pull a name to go with the new relationship. Aradia winced as she pulled the name, really, pale with that troll? She’d rather take an exam of trigonometry.

“I am to be moirails with,” Aradia winced and whimpered the name, “Vriska.”

As soon as both girls were in the center Vriska wrapped her arms around the rust blooded girl, uncomfortable with the situation. Aradia wanted to struggle away from the girl, but she’d seen Eridan and Sollux peck each other before, and realistically this wasn’t much different. It sucked, but not as bad as it could.

The two trolls were quick to get back to their spots. Aradia passed the cups to Jade, wanting to be done with the game.

Jade smiled as she pulled a name and a relationship. She’d always wanted to give the troll she’d gotten a massive hug and a good pep talk, but never felt comfortable doing so. It’d be stepping on someone’s toes, she was sure.

“Sollux and I as moirails,” Jade announced happily as she bounced into the center of the circle.

The first thing jade did when Sollux was standing next to her was give him a massive hug. He was rather bony, but he was slightly cool to the touch, and that made it better. It was like wrapping herself in an abnormally bony damp towel. Pleasant for a hot summer day, but otherwise kind of odd.

The two then separated and the band of friends agreed that it was getting late. Everyone scuttled off to sleep, content with the day’s discourse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsumetai describes someone as being cold (as in their personality trait), while the term samuri is a word to describe the temperature as being cold. Remember, don't describe someone as being samuri unless they've been in the freezer.
> 
> Edit: Finally the monster named Chapter 16 is done. Woo!


	17. Where's the Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tavros and Eridan go for a short walk together, and the author is back in business.

Tavros wasn’t really sure how this had happened. He’d thought that wandering around in the dream bubbles would be relatively safe. Afterall, he was already dead, it wasn’t like he could die again. He’d been wrong about how safe it was to travel alone in the dream bubbles.

“Can wwe please stop?” Eridan whined from somewhere behind Tavros, “I need to catch my fuckin’ breath.”

“You can, uh, stop if you’d like,” Tavros rolled his eyes, “I’m not stopping you.”

“But then I’d be alone,” Eridan caught Tavros by the hand, “I don’t wwanna be alone anymore.”

Tavros sighed loudly before walking off to the side of the path they were on and stopping to give Eridan a rest. Something in Tavros just told him that leaving the whiney asshole alone would result in something devastating, and besides, if it were Tavros in Eridan’s shoes, he wouldn’t want to be alone either.

“Hey Tav,” Eridan spoke once he had caught his breath, “Wwhere are wwe?”

“Walking around the dream bubbles,” Tavros spoke slowly, as though Eridan were a small child who didn’t have a very big vocabulary yet.

“Stop that!” Eridan snarled, “I’m not a fuckin’ wwigler!”

“You act like one,” Tavros shot back.

“Wwhatevver,” Eridan stomped off down the road.

Tavros shook his head before going back down the path the way he’d come. If he never saw Eridan again he’d be perfectly happy with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't checked yet, I'm slowly finishing chapter 16. I updated it a little earlier to day, and you should totally check it out.


	18. Now Let's Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta teaches Sollux how to do a hip shimmy, and he teaches her a little waltz.

“It's so easy though,” Nepeta giggled as grabbed one of Sollux’s hands, “I’ll teach mew.”

“No Nepeta,” Sollux argued, “I really don’t want to.”

“Of course mew do,” Nepeta argued back, “Mew always oggle me when mew see me doing it.”

“Yeah, ‘cathe you look tho great when you do it.”

“Aww, mew are so sweeeeet!” Nepeta squealed, “But you’re not getting out of it.”

“I don’t even have any hipth,” Sollux tried to argue, “and my ath ith ath bony ath a fothil.”

“So?” Nepeta giggled, “This help mew build ass muscle.”

“Fine,” Sollux acquiesced with a long, self-suffering sigh.

“Good. Now mew need to stand with your feet under your shoulder bones, no, a little wider, yeah like that. That’s purrfect!”

“Now what?” Sollux asked.

“Bend your knees a little. Yeah, like that. Now tuck your abs.”

“What?” Sollux glared at the cat girl.

“Squeeze your abs. And lift your chest a bit.”

“Like thith?”

“Here, let me,” Nepeta fixed Sollux’s posture with her hands, “You need to be tight, but not that tight or you’ll strain something.”

“Dropped the cat pun,” Sollux huffed, while mimicking Nepeta’s arms.

“This is serious,” Nepeta answered, “Which means puns are a no go.”

“Okay then,” Sollux answered.

“Just do what I do,” Nepeta giggled, “It’ll be easier than describing it.”

“Wow, thank you for complimenting my thuperior intellect,” Sollux frowned.

“No, no, it’s just that I have a hard time explaining what to do. It’s easier to see it for yourself, no?”

“I gueth tho,” Sollux rolled his eyes.

“Good,” Nepeta giggled as she bent her knees a little farther down and slowly straightened on leg, causing her hip to lift up.

Sollux copied her, and while it didn’t look as amazing as her own voluptuous hip raising, it still looked pretty decent. Nepeta slowly dropped the knee back into a bent position and Sollux did the same. Again and again, the two practiced a basic hip lift, slowly speeding up into a shimmy.

“After thith, I’m teaching you a basic walth,” Sollux wheezed, “Fair’th fair.”

“Ok,” Nepeta replied, standing straight again, “Mew can teach me meow.”

“Put a hand on my shoulder,” Sollux took Nepeta’s hand which she hadn’t placed on his shoulder, and placed his other on her hip.

“Now jutht walk with me,” Sollux chuckled as the Iranian girl gasped when he led her forward.

“Is this all?” Nepeta asked, slightly disappointed.

“Thorry,” Sollux apologized, “Thith is all there ith to a bathic walth. Pluth, I don’t really know how to danth.”

“It’s fine,” Nepeta smiled at her boyfriend, “Any more complex and I’d probably be swamped. Meow hiss me!”

Sollux laughed as he dipped his girlfriend and kissed her softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squeals something about Nepeta/Sollux being super adorable.
> 
> I only have six more prompts, outside of the massive shipping thing that chapter 16 has become, before I'm completely out. Don't let this die! Please send me any requests you have by commenting them on this story. Thank you for reading.


	19. Eridan: Get Your Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan makes a wish in death, only for it to come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late by a day, so we're moving updates back to Sunday. Yay!
> 
> The first part of Eridan and Fereri's pester before Eridan being idle is from this mspa post: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004348

Eridan wept quietly in a corner of the chapel which had once been on his planet. Not only had he killed someone he was supposed to be working with, but he’d also killed the woman he cared deeply for. Maybe she’d been in the wrong for ignoring him after they’d ended their moirallegiance, but that didn’t make what he did any better, and he knew it. Worse than that, he’d destroyed all hope of trolls coming back. He would have included killing Kanaya in the list of horrible things he’d done, but she came back to life as a day walker, so surely that was a plus in his court? Terezi wouldn’t have seen it that way though. When one get’s down to brass tax, all that ever mattered was justice, and Kanaya’s death would have been counted against Eridan as another count of murder, even if it did cause her to become better than she had been. He’d ruined everything. Death was surely the only thing he’d ever deserved after what had happened.

Eridan wished he could go back and fix what he’d done. Break up with Feferi sooner, to make his intentions more clear. That he hadn’t lost his temper with Feferi and Sollux acting like a cute couple and hadn’t destroyed the matriorb and been the cause of Kanaya’s death. He wished he could apologize to Feferi for all the things he’d done wrong, for making the pathetic excuse for their moirallegiance all about him. He knew he should have been there for Feferi more. Maybe they just weren’t compatible. Eridan curled up in a ball and went to sleep, continually wishing he could fix his past mistakes.

* * *

 

Eridan wasn’t really sure what had awoken him. At first, he wasn’t even sure where he was. Sure, the room looked familiar, but it felt like it had been a million sweeps since he’d last seen it. The room, completely done in teal of all colours, had stacks of gold lying around everywhere. He knew that the black coffin in the corner of the room would contain unbelievably shitty wands, from when he’d still believed in magic. What had woken him up was a pinging sound on the husktop placed in the center of a fuchsia coloured table.

Eridan figured that just looking at what was being sent to him over pesterchum couldn’t be that bad.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CA: fef  
CA: hey  
CC: ?  
CA: glub  
CC: Glub glub!  
CC: 38)  
CA: yeah  
CA: hm  
CC: W)(at is it!!!  
CA: wwhat  
CC: I am wondering if you can forego t)(e exaggerated emotional t)(eatrics for once and actually tell me w)(at's on your mind!  
CA: nothins on my mind wwhy cant i just fuckin talk and glub at you for a reason i dont havve  
CC: 38|  
CA: wwell fine but you dont wwant to hear it  
CC: Yes I do.  
CC: We are supposed to talk to eac)( ot)(er, t)(at is w)(at moirails are for.  
CA: uhuh wwhatevver  
CC: Glub glub glub glub siiiiig)(.  
CC: Will you take t)(e c)(ip off your nub and tell me w)(at's t)(e matter?  
CA: yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR  
CA: i wwill tell you

caligulasAquarium is an idle troll

CC: -Eridan?  
CC: Are you okay?  
CC: -Eridan you’re scaring me  
CC: --ERIDAN!

caligulasAquarium is no longer an idle troll 

CA: fef  
CA: wwhat happened  
CC: You were aboat to tell me somet)(ing  
CC: Specifically w)(at t)(e otter is wrong wit)( you  
CA: fef, i think i had an epiphany  
CA: i don’t think our moirailship is wworking out  
CA: i still wwant us to be freinds  
CA: but i don’t think wwe’re good for eachother  
CC: Whale t)(at was of sudden  
CC: Are you okay -Eridan?  
CC: S)(ould I come over or somet)(ing?  
CC: Maybe you s)(ould mullet over?  
CA: fef, come on  
CA: you and i both knoww wwe’re not a good match  
CA: i thought you’d take this batter than you havve  
CC: I’m taking t)( news just fin  
CC: The issue is t)(at you’re going to murder everyone aren’t you.  
CC: That’s w)(y you’re breaking up wit)( me isn’t it?  
CA: wwhat?  
CC: You’re breaking up with me so that you can kill everyone and I won’t have to eel guilty aboat you doing it.  
CC: Since I won’t be your moray-eel  
CC: --ERIDAN T)(AT’S A )(ORIBUBBL-E PLAN!  
CA: so horrible that evven i wouldn’t do that  
CA: also wwhy wwould i wwant to do that  
CC: Because t)(at’s what you always want to do?  
CA: no  
CA: i’m over the whole murderin landdwwellers thing  
CC: Water you talking aboat?  
CC: -Eridan, I know I’m stupid, but I’m not that stupid  
CC: You )(ave done literally not)(ing to convince me you don’t still )(ate landdwellers  
CA: then don’t i get a chance to provve that i’vve changed  
CA: since you apparently wwon’t accept that i can’t be moirails with you anymore  
CC: S)(ow me you can )(ave a civil conversation with Sollux  
CC: Maybe then I’ll bereef you.  
CA: I guess I’ll be pesterin you agian in ten or so minutes

caligulasArquarium ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller

Eridan sighed in frustration. He thought that of the two trolls he needed to break up with, Feferi would be the easier one. Afterall, she was the more bubbly of the two and took semi-bad news better. Plus, he thought Feferi wanted to break up. Maybe something in between their initial conversation and her breaking up with him something had changed her mind. Sollux maybe? Eridan winced at the thought, it was too simple just to blame his bad relationship on one troll, when in reality Eridan knew it was both his and Feferi’s fault. Perhaps Feferi to a much lesser degree, but still, it takes two trolls to fuck up a quadrant, right? Well, wasting time lamenting his failed quadrants wasn’t going to get him any closer to the actual breakup.

caligulasAquirum began trolling twinArmageddons

CA: hey sol  
TA: what do you want you fiish breathed chum bucket?  
CA: okay one that’s very rude  
CA: and twwo i’m breaking up with fef  
TA: 2o why are you botheriing me?  
TA: what, you need a 2houlder to cry on or 2omethiing?  
CA: no i don’t  
CA: she doesn’t think it’s okay for me to break up with her  
CA: so i’m provving that i’m not out to get landdwwellers anymore by having a civvil convversation wwith a troll she knowws i don’t get along wwith  
TA: liike you could kiill me.  
CA: no i don’t think i could  
CA: if i even tried wwe both be dead anywway  
CA: so wwhat’s the point in trying if you knoww it’s futile anywway  
TA: holy 2hiit ED  
TA: you’re 2ufferiing from depressiion arent you  
CA: no  
CA; i just knoww wwhen i’m beaten  
CA: anywway, I guess this has been civvil enough  
CA: time to go tell fef that wwe’re good to break up  
CA: i’ll see you in the game i guess

caligulasAquarium ceased trolling twinArmageddons

Well that went well. The first thing Edrian did as soon as he stopped talking to Sollux was send Feferi a copy of the conversation he had with Sollux. He hopped that the conversation had indeed been civil enough to prove to Feferi that Eridan was trying to change. He didn’t even insult the piss blood (stop that, you’re supposed to be turning a new tide) when provoked.

The second thing Eridan did was break up with Vriska, even though he knew she wouldn’t be getting the message until much later.

caligulasAquarium began trollingAGarachnidsGrip

CA: listen vris  
CA: i know you’re not on right noww  
CA: and that’s fine  
CA: cus’ i need to talk wwithout any interruption  
CA: and i wwant you to read all of this before you evver talk to me again  
CA: i hate you to the very pit of my pitch black soul  
CA: but i don’t wwant to be kismesises wwith you  
CA: i do not forgive you for wwhat you’vve done to people  
CA: that’s not right  
CA: wwhat i mean is i don’t forgivve you for killing aradia  
CA: blinding terezi  
CA: and paralyzing tavros  
CA: those are our friends  
CA: tavros and terezi wwere quadranted wwith you  
CA: and if that is howw you treat people wwho are supposed to be important to you  
CA: then maybe i should listen wwhen fef tells me she’s wworried about my safety wwhen it comes to you  
CA: evven though she and i aren’t moirails  
CA: and evven if i do die at your hands it means i wwas too wweak to call myself a troll in the first place  
CA: the point still stands  
CA: i do hate you vriska  
CA: but in a way that doesn’t make me want to kiss you  
CA: it makes me wwant to hide wwhen i see you  
CA: so i’m ending it  
CA: good-bye vriska

caligulasAquarium ceased trolling arachnidsGrip

Well that was easy. Eridan got up from his chair and gave a long stretch before sitting down again. There was still a long way to go if he wanted to get into the game before he could be killed by the meteors falling onto Alternia.


	20. Plaster Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We live in apartments next door to each other and shit! I made a hole that goes threw the wall and you almost got hit by the plaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For turntechcatnip (hyperfeline) for the ship, and NepetaLeijion_TheShippingQueen for the prompt. Remeber: If you want to see a ship or see me fill a prompt request it in the comments of this fic, I’ll be sure to get back to you on it.

Jake highly suspected that somehow this was his fault. He was the one who wanted to put up a new shelving in his kitchen, and the person in charge of all leases for the apartment building never said he couldn’t. Still, this was partially his fault.

“What the hell!” A loud cry was followed by glowing red eyes in the dust which resulted from the plaster between the two walls shattering in an almost perfectly round hole.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” Jake called into the other room, “for my massive boner.”

“If this is what you do when masturbating I hope I never see what happens when you actually have a partner!”

“I think you’ve misunderstood,” Jake’s body went red from shoulder to the very top of his head, “I meant that I must have made a mistake to cause this.”

“What did you do you blugle blister?” the being was definitely grey.

“I was just putting a small shelving unit in,” Jake held up a board which he had been planning on using for the aforementioned shelf.

“And took three quarter of the fucking pathetic excuse for room divider with it!”

“I’m terribly sorry,” Jake apologized again.

“Don’t, just, stop,” the troll on the other side of the wall rolled his eyes, and make an annoyed sound, “It wasn’t really your fault to begin with. TNT didn’t tell you how weak the plaster was.”

“Is that blood?” Jake asked, zeroing in on the wound on the trolls hand.

“What?” he asked, before looking at the small cut on his hand, “DON’T LOOK!”

“It’s hardly that big of an issue,” Jake looked a the troll flinching away from him, “It’s an easy fix really. I’ll just be right back.”

“Where are you going! What are you doing! Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone!” The troll shouted at the human who was already walking away.

Once in the bathroom, Jake reached into the pill cabinet to pull out a first aid kit and quickly returned to the panicking troll.

“Please try to calm down,” Jake requested reaching through the broken wall, “And take my with your injured one. We’re just going to put a plaster on it, and you’ll feel all better, okay?”

“Just hurry the fuck up you wretched embodiment of nookstench,” the troll looked around as though he and Jake weren’t the only ones there.

“This is going to sting a bit,” Jake warned before applying some hydrogen peroxide to the wound.

“It doesn’t,” the red blooded troll flinched anyway.

Jake was quick to put a bandage over the slowly bleeding wound. He allowed the troll to take his hand back before Jake shook himself and blushed slightly.

“Oh,” he gave the troll a sheepish smile, “I never introduced myself. I’m Jake English.”

“Karkat,” the troll grunted at him.

Jake smiled. For a loudmouthed, uncouth troll, Karkat was surprisingly endearing.

* * *

“So what did the shit munching grub fisters at the office building tell you?” Karkat growled when Jake left his room in the morning to brew some coffee, “Cuz’ I was told that it’d take a month to get the hole fixed.”

“Mornin’ Karkat,” Jake yawned, pressing the button to start the machine, “You want some coffee?”

“When it’s done, yes, I would like some of your shitty human coffee,” the troll snarled at the green eyed human, “But what I want right in this moment is to hear what the monkey fucking turd breaths who work for TNT told you about the hole problem.”

“I have to fix it myself,” Jake yawned mid thought.

“Those fuckbitching horseshitting fucktards!” Karkat yelled, “How the fuck-”

“You didn’t let me finish,” Jake interrupted while pouring coffee for himself and his small pseudo roommate, “Or I’ll have to pay someone to fix it.”

“Still horseshitting fucktards!” Karkat took a sip of his coffee and made a pleased sounding noise.

“Are you always this loud in the morning?” Jake questioned, muffled by the mug he hid his smile behind.

“Only when I have unwanted guests,” Karkat snapped his fangs in Jake’s direction before taking another sip of coffee.

“I’ll make myself scarce then,” Jake finished his coffee quickly, “I have to get ready for work anyway. Have a jolly good day!”

“Who the fuck even says jolly anymore?” Karkat rolled his eyes as he went back towards the area Jake assumed to be the troll’s bedroom.

* * *

“You just don’t get it,” Jake balanced his cell phone between his shoulder and his ear as he added some cornstarch to the soup he was attempting to make, “I don’t want to date you ever again.”

Karkat poked his head out of his room, borrowed mug in hand. He’d been waiting for Jake to get back from his job to return the damn thing, but then he’d missed Jake coming home at all. The only indication he’d gotten that the human was back was the smell of something burning coming from the kitchen area. The words made Karkat pause. Was the human have relationship issues?

“Because you weren’t happy, and I sure as heck wasn’t happy, and poor Janey didn’t deserve any of the piffle I gave her,” from his vantage point at the door he could see the human frantically stirring a pot on the stove.

“You’ll see me at Roxy’s get togethers,” Jake seemed to think his current conversation was more important than the burning pot because he stopped stirring, “But other than that, no you’ll not see me.”

Karkat decided he’d had enough of sitting in on the one sided conversation. As loud as he’d ever been, Karkat walked into the kitchen, pulled out a hand mitten, and after putting it on, took Jake’s pot off the stove and set it in his own sink. Karkat then turned on the cold tap water so that the pot would cool down and whatever was burning in it would stop burning.

“Dirk I have to go,” Jake said, staring at the pot in Karkat’s sink.

Obviously this ‘Dirk’ person said something in response to that because Jake added a quick, “No I will not call you back,” before hanging up.

“How about I cook us dinner since you’re a kringlefucking batshit bulgefuck who doesn’t understand the very easy and very basic idea of making food?” Karkat snarled and pulled a couple items out of his fridge.

“If,” Jake’s laughter kept interrupting his speech, “If it’s all the same, haha, to you, hoho, I’d like to order take out.”

“And waste the perfectly good food I’m about to cook for not only myself, but for your sorry ass?” Karkat smirked at the human, “You monster.”

“Alright then,” Jake smiled at the troll, “If you insist.”

“Besides,” Karkat grumbled, “You can tell me about yourself while I do this.”

“Only if you talk about yourself over dinner,” Jake reached through the hole in the wall to flick Karkat’s arm.

“Whatever,” Karkat rolled his eyes, and cut open a package of chicken breast, “Just start talking.”

“I’m not one to beat my gums,” Karkat snorted, “But I guess I’ll talk about myself. Where to start?”

“How about you tell me who you were talking to?” Karkat asked.

“Dirk? He’s just a friend of mine. Well, sort of.” Jake made a considering sound, “It’s a long story if you want to hear it.”

“We have time,” Karkat felt the corners of his mouth twitch, which caused him to scowl.

“Well, Dirk and I started out as friends, and I was also friends with a lady named Jane. What I didn’t know was that both Dirk and Jane were interested in dating me, and I really didn’t mind one way or the other who I dated. Instead of acting like mature people they competed for my attention behind my back, like the silly teens we were,” Jake took a moment of pause to grab a bottle of water from his fridge.

“So then what happened?” Karkat asked, pretending to pay attention to the chicken he was frying, “Dirk asked you out and it didn’t work out?”

“That’s one way to put it,” Jake played with the cap of his water bottle, “I’d describe as Dirk and I starting out having a fabulous time of it. I think we were happy in the start, Dirk got to have me for a boyfriend, and I got to be even closer with my best mate. When I’d hang out with Jane though, she made it obvious she was all grungy about it.”

“Grungy?” Karkat asked.

“Envious,” Jake recapped his water, “It ended when Dirk wanted to handcuff me after I’d been on a dig and couldn’t take Dirk with me because we weren’t married-”

“He what?” Karkat eyes widened, “That’s so fucking abusive, that peice of shit-”

“Marry, Karkat,” Jake interrupted, “He wanted to get married to me. Proposed and everything as soon as I got back.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say yes if you were so happy with him?” Karkat asked.

“If I remember correctly it was around that time Dirk and I started being unable to communicate with each other,” Jake frowned at his bottle of water, “He wouldn’t talk to me about what he wanted for our future, or even just for his future, and I stopped talking to him outside of just telling him when I’d be in and out of the apartment on digs. The only thing keeping us together must have been how he played my… uh… silent whistle.”

That made Karkat laugh hysterically. Of course sex would be the only thing keeping those two together. It didn’t take a genius to realize that relationships fail when one partner doesn’t talk to the other.

“I was so enraptured with Dirk that I missed Jane’s birthday that year,” Jake sighed, “And I kept putting off lunch dates with her. In the end, our relationship just faded into nothingness.”

“And that’s how you ended up in this shit hole?” Karkat asked.

“It’s the only side of town Dirk wouldn’t bother visiting,” Jake explained, “I just broke up with him and moved out. I didn’t even bother telling him where I moved to.”

“That sucks,” Karkat started chopping some vegetables while the chicken finished cooking, “And all of this could have been easily avoided if you just had a friend to point out that your relationship with Dirk wasn’t going very well.”

“Yeah,” Jake pulled out some cutlery, “But then I’d still have tried to make it work with Dirk.”

“Why?” Karkat asked, “I get that he was your friend and all, and that probably pushed you into dating him when he asked you, but you have other friends.”

“I’m just sort of meh,” Jake shrugged, “Certainly not a catch for anyone. I was just so excited someone, anyone wanted to date me. I don’t think a relationship with Jane would have ended any better.”

“Does Jane know you’re sorry?” Karkat served the chicken and vegetables before pulling a chiar over to the counter space.

“I haven’t said sorry to her,” Jake picked at his vegetables, “So I’m not sure.”

“Well then tell her you’re sorry,” Karkat rolled his eyes, “And be honest with her about the whole situation. She probably deserves that much, right?”

“Yeah,” Jake smiled, “Thanks.”

“I guess I should talk about myself,” Karkat tore into the chicken breast, “Since that was the bargain.”

“Tell me about troll with that purple stripe in his hair,” Jake asked, “He seems close with you.”

“Eridan?” Karkat felt his face warm up, “He’s a useless fishfucking limpdick of a heinous bulgesmoker!”

“And people wonder why you’re so bang up to the elephant.”

“What?” Karkat glanced up from his chicken.

“Unapproachable,” Jake smirked.

“So yeah, let’s not talk about my pathetic shitbagging crotchstaining fuckbitching douchepressing excuse for friends.”

“If you don’t like them, why are you friends with them?”

“Because if I wasn’t friends with them I wouldn’t have friends. They’re the only assholes who tolerate how shitty and how much of a moronic screaming fool I am.”

“I don’t think you’re moronic,” Something about Jake’s tone made Karkat look up at the human again, “I wouldn’t describe you as demure, but you’re certainly a dulcet person.”

“Dulcet should only ever be used to describe the noise that comes out of someone’s squawk blister,” Karkat looked back down at his food with hunched shoulders.

“And here I thought you and I didn’t speak the same language.”

“We don’t,” Karkat snarled, “I just really like flowery language used for pre-teen girls with exploding ovaries.”

“What’s your favorite movie? I realize that’s not on topic, but I’d like to know.”

“The only one you’d appreciate is Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

“Actually I like Casablanca. Well, I prefer Indiana Jones, but I’ll gladly watch Casablanca with you.”

“You don’t even know the plot to Casablanca.”

“And old flame of the man who runs a casino comes into town with her husband because the husband is being chased by Germans.”

“What’s the setting?”

“Morocco, when France still controlled the country. The time period is during world war two. I think that’s why the husband of the flame is being chased by German officers, he murdered a handful of them on a train while trying to escape Europe.”

“Two people is a handful?” Karkat balked at the human.

“So I don’t remember exactly what happened,” Jake rolled his eyes, “It’s been at least two years since I last saw it.”

“I guess we’ll just have to watch it again,” Karkat shrugged.

“Only if you watch Indiana Jones with me afterwards.”

“Whatever.”

* * *

“The hole is approximately twenty-eight inches in diameter,” Jake spoke over the phone with someone who could fix the problem, “And yes, I did measure it with a tape line.”

“Well sir,” the woman on the phone spoke softly, “A hole that size with cost you entire life saving to patch up.”

“That’s not a funny joke,” Jake replied, “I just need an estimate.”

“It’ll be approximately forty dollars,” the woman’s tone was significantly more dead pan, “Without tax.”

“When’s the soonest you can send someone out?”

“In a week. Would you like to make an appointment.”

“Yes, I would. Could you send someone out on the 31st?”

“Yes. Will that be all?”

“Yes, it will be. Thank you very much, and have a good day,” Jake was quick to hang up the phone.

A week? Was everything in this blasted town so slow? And forty bucks for fixing a pathetic little hole? He’d seen a wall built for less. Still, that’d been the cheapest price he’d been able to get. He felt saddened by the fact he wouldn’t get to see Karkat’s cranky face everyday, but maybe it was for the best. The troll didn’t seem to like Jake very much, so he’d probably be happy if he never saw Jake again.

“Hey Karkat,” Jake greeted when Karkat finally came out of his room.

“Hello you magnanimous assface,” Karkat greeted as he took a cup of coffee from Jake.

“So I’ve got news,” Jake smiled at the troll.

“Good, because I’ve got a question to ask you. I’ll go first, since I think my question is more important than your bullshit news. After you fix the hole in the wall, please move in with me,” the troll barely paused to breath.

“The hole will be fixed by the end of the month,” Jake replied, shock flowing through him.

“So please move in with me?” Karkat gave Jake a pleading look.

“I thought you didn’t really like me,” Jake responded, taking a sip of coffee.

“I wouldn’t keep socializing with you if I didn’t like you,” Karkat rolled his eyes, “You foolish insufferable piece of shit.”

“Then I’d be happy to move in with you,” Jake smiled, “Though you should probably move into my apartment, I’ve got two bedrooms.”

“The fuck do you need two bedrooms for?” Karkat glared.

“I was going to make one a study, but you’re welcome here,” Jake smiled.

“Sure, whatever,” the troll rolled his eyes.


	21. Pale Bondage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat doesn't like himself. Jake wants to show Karkat how great he really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I was in the middle of writing my crack ship when I decided to check tumblr, and saw a post by palestporn. I started reading some posts I hadn’t given much thought to, and then I got inspired by their post about what pale bondage is, and then another post which was a snippet for an upcoming story. Their tumblr blog is http://palestporn.tumblr.com/ and I highly recommend reading their work. As for the Minnesota Vikings thing, I was looking online for some good safe words that Karkat would use and I encountered another of my favorite authors 2x2verse(agent_florida) and one of the bookmark tags and I just lost it.

“I’m sorry,” Jake blushed deeply, “I don’t think I understood what you said.”

“I asked you to tie me up,” Karkat scratched awkwardly at his shoulder, face a few shades brighter then well cooked lobster, “You really don’t have to. It’s completely fine if you don’t want to. In fact, let’s pretend I never said a thing. I’m just being-”

“Shoosh,” Jake hugged Karkat so closely to him none of the trolls words could be made out, “I’m not mad. I’m not going to break up with you just because you’ve said something unexpected. Shoosh.”

“Mmphhh,” Karkat whined into Jake’s vest, lightly knocking a fist against the opposite side of the human’s chest.

“Now here’s what we’re going to do,” Jake smiled at the troll in his arms, “I’m going to let go of you, you’re going to repeat your request, I’m going to ask some questions, and if you feel up to it, we’ll cuddle on the couch and watch some movies.”

“Can we watch some Bollywood?” Karkat requested when his face finally left Jake’s vest, “Please?”

“Of course,” Jake patted Karkat’s head, “But first we’ve got to have a bit of a discussion.”

“I hate it when you say that,” the trolled sighed, moving toward the corner cuddle pile, “It makes it sound like if I don’t say exactly the right thing we’re over.”

“Hey, no,” Jake spoke softly, reaching for a horn but quickly retracting the hand, “It’s nothing like that, sweetheart.”

“You’re so gross,” Karkat complained before letting out a big sigh, “Once again, since you’re a bulgebite who still can not understand the depth of my depravity, I want you to tie me us and pap me until I can’t argue with you.”

“Do you want to keep your clothes on?” Jake pulled Karkat’s head into his lap.

“I guess,” the troll started purring lightly as Jake stroked his hair, “If you’d rather I didn’t that’s fine.”

“I’d rather you be comfortable,” Jake sighed, “This isn’t sexual is it?”

“I don’t know Jake,” Karkat growled and tensed up, “Is moirailship sexual?”

“I’m just checking,” Jake raised his hands in surrender, “Sometimes you’re really bad at talking about what you mean.”

“So are you,” Karkat snorted before relaxing in Jake’s lap again, “I think that’s why you just blurt things out sometimes.”

“So what exactly do you want,” Jake asked, “Like I get that you want me to tie you up, clothing optional, and I get that you want me to pap you, but I kind of need more information.”

“Like what?” Karkat hid his face in Jake’s stomach.

“Do you not want me to touch certain areas while I have you tied up,” Jake asked, “Like I know you’re a little picky about whether or not it’s okay for me to pet your horns, but if I were to tie you up, would horns be completely out of the question?”

“I don’t want you touching my grub scars,” Karkat curled into a tight ball, “But anywhere else is fair game.”

“Don’t tense up on me now,” Jake stroked down Karkat’s side, “We’re almost done. I just need your safe word, and then we can watch a bollywood movie.”

“Red,” Karkat replied, “We’re moirails, and unless I’m talking about my flushed quadrant with you, which will likely never happen considering no one can stand how unbelievably stupid I am, I’ll never say the word red in your company.”

“Sure you would,” Jake grinned, “We talk about the insignificance of that colour all the time.”

“Well fuck, how about… um…”

“Minnesota Vikings?”

Karkat gave a large laugh before nodding his head in agreement. The two then proceeded to the couch for some loving cuddles and fantastic dance sequences.

 

* * *

 

Jake hummed a pleasant note as he finished tying up Karkat’s knees. Bound and the wrist simply wasn’t enough for the ex adventurer, at least that’s what Karkat assumed. His hands were bound over his head to the bed they rarely shared (and really only for cuddles when one had a nightmare and needed comfort from the other), and his knees were bound together, forcing him to keep his legs stretched out.

“Shhhh,” Jake hushed the troll when he attempted to speak, “Unless it’s your safeword I don’t want you to say a thing.”

“Mmmm,” Karkat made an agreeing noise on sheer principle.

“Good,” Jake rubbed Karkat’s cheek, “You’re so good.”

Karkat rolled his eyes harshly. Good boy? Really? God that was so stupid. Whether he thought of himself as a good boy or not was inconsequential (For one Karkat doubted he even knew the true definition of good), phrases like that only worked on small kids, not emotionally damaged adults. Not that he was an emotionally damaged adult.

“Stop that,” Jake hummed in his ear before pressing a kiss to his temple, “I can hear your sarcasm. If you roll your eyes any harder I’ll have to soothe away a migraine.”

“Nnnnnnn,” Karkat moaned when Jake started rubbing the troll’s stomach.

“You’re so good, Karkat,” Jake smiled warmly (a thing he was particularly known for Karkat had noted), “All soft and pliable.”

Karkat resisted the urge to roll his eyes and was rewarded with a kiss to his nose.

“Lovely,” Jake said while massaging Karkat’s feet.

“Perfect,” the human murmured while petting the troll’s throat.

“Divine,” he sighed before kissing one of Karkat’s closed eyes.

Karkat blacked out, feeling completely peaceful for the first time in a very, very long time.


	22. The Real Men Wear Tights AU Fanfic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is a stupid kid shopping late at night, but Karkat is there to save his dumb self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't already you should go read Real Men Wear Tights. The link is http://archiveofourown.org/works/469179/chapters/811056 . I don't think I did any justice to the Real Men Wear Tights alternate universe, but it was fun to write!

John hadn’t ever been a fan of crowded places. There was just something about a large group of people gathered in one place that unsettled him. But he needed to go pick some peaches from the store so he could make cobbler for the Vantas family. However, at the store itself things started taking a turn for the worst.

John supposed his current situation was his own fault. He thought he’d have time before his “volunteering” to go pick up the peaches, and then immediately get to work after dropping the fruits off at home. This was not the case, and John severely regretted his decision to not wait until the morning to go do it.

It started out as a peaceful trip to the store. John knew where the peaches were in produce, and had quickly grabbed four pounds of the ripe fruit. Checking out was less dramatic than actually trying to leave the store. The cashier had been half asleep, and the bagger had been hopping in place, like they’d just taken a shot of adrenaline. John sincerely hoped the cashier was going to be ending their shift soon from the way they nearly fell face first into their machine.

“EVERYBODY HANDS UP!” came a shout from the front of the store, “THIS IS A HOLD UP!”

Who even says that anymore, John thought idly to himself, while putting his hands in the air. He was grateful that the peaches hadn’t left the belt, otherwise they’d all be bruised and the cashier would have to damage them out. And then, as though the armed had fired a shot, John realized he wasn’t in costume. He couldn’t just use his powers and keep everyone here safe. Maybe he should be taking the situation a little more seriously.

“YOU,” the armed man shouted and pointed his gun at the cashier John had been checking out with, “MONEY IN THE BAG NOW!”

The gunman had been cautious, making sure to cover his face and wear a black cap over his head. John could guesstimate the man’s height to be about five feet tall, and he had an unusually high pitched voice. John didn’t know enough about guns to be able to identify the type the man carried, but John knew it was a handgun of some sort.

The cashier was thrown a black duffle bag, but refused to comply, telling the armed man, “There isn’t anything more than a couple of ones, two fives, and maybe a hundred dollar bill. I’m fresh out of tens.”

“YOU PUT MONEY IN THAT BAG OR I’LL SHOOT THE KID!” The gunman threatened, pointing his gun at John.

The cashier complied with the request, though there truly wasn’t very much money in the till to begin with.

“Good,” the man growled at the cashier, “Now that you’re done, say goodbye.”

The man pointed his gun back at the cashier. John only had a few seconds to act. Taking a deep breath, John charged the man. As the two fell to the ground, the man fired his gun, bullet missing it’s intended target. John and the man struggled on the ground for a few moments, before John was overpowered by the tiny man, gun pointing in his face.

“YOU’RE DEAD KIDDO!” The man shouted, but was unable to fire the gun before he was pulled of the teenage boy by a second man in a grey jumpsuit with red lining.

Oh, John thought, I’ll have to thank Hemo for a job well done while I was off duty. While Hemo beat up the bad guy with his impressive lower body strength, John thought about the best way to thank his partner. As a civilian, John allowed to fangasm over his favorite hero, but just the thought of that made John flush in embarrassment. Still, it’d be nice to thank the hero as civilian John, rather than as Heir, who simply couldn’t thank Hemo unless he wanted to reveal his secret identity. Maybe he’d take some cash with him and buy Hemo some coffee before getting down to work? Maybe after work? Maybe John should just bake a pie for Heir and hand it over tomorrow? But that would mean letting Hemo know someone close to Heir was in danger, and then Hemo would realize John and Heir knew each other, and then might be able to figure out the two are the same person? What would Hemo even think if John let slip Heir and John were friends?

When Hemo had finally knocked the gunman unconscious, the hero attempted to leave.

“Wait, Hemo,” John called, and surprisingly Hemo did pause and turn back to John, “I just wanted to say thank you.”

To his surprise, Hemo walked up to him, gave John a quick hug and a quiet you’re welcome, and then ran off again.

 

* * *

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Karkat continued chanting to himself as he ran away from the grocery store. Why did he hug John while in his Hemo getup? That was so bad. He just broke persona to go deliver a hug to his best fucking friend. Like, here John, you don’t know it’s me, but I’ll hug you anyway and get my gross DNA all over you so that you can figure out I and Hemo are the same fucking person. Not only that, but what he’d just done was so unprofessional, and Karkat liked to pretend he was nothing but professional.

But, when he saw John looking up the barrel of a gun, he’d panicked. That was his moirail, and no one was going to take the dumb, dorky, socially retarded boy from him. John was too pure for the world sometimes, so much so that Karkat just wanted to hug the damn idiot and never let him go.

Karkat shook his head as he scaled up a building, he knew John wasn’t weak. The man was in the goddamn swim team after all. John looked like he could take a couple of rounds with Heir, though John would probably lose in that fight. Karkat was glad Heir and John were likely to never meet. He really would hate to see them fight, and somehow Karkat didn’t think John and Heir would really get along all that well. Then again, maybe he only thought that because John wasn’t prone to fangasming over Heir.

Karkat rolled his eyes at himself as he leapt from one building to the next, it wouldn’t have mattered either way. Heir and John were never going to meet if Karkat could help it, and that’s just the way things were going to be.


	23. A Prank Gone Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How was John supposed to know trolls get drunk on sugar?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to one of my crack au/headcannons where trolls get drunk off of carbohydrates (aka sugar).

Karkat hated halloween. It was the one time a year that all of the rom coms were shit, the horror movies were shittier, and candy was passed out freely to minors. It was like somehow the entire North American content conveniently forgot troll metabolism tuned carbs into alcohol. There was something about it that just pissed the fuck out of the short troll.

Still, he was glad he could count on John this time of year. His father was always very strict about what John ate, as well as the food his friends consumed while at their house. There was a rule about not junking on carby food after nine at night. As such, John’s house was well stocked with green vegetables, and meaty treats.

True, it took a lot of carbs to get most trolls drunk, the minimum known amount being one cup (or 200 grams) of sugar, but the amount of carbs consumed in a day were quick to add up. Add in the unnecessary excuse of a day to just binge eat candy and you end up with drunk trolls.

Karkat hadn’t been expecting John’s dad to lift the ban on unhealthy junk foods after it got late on halloween night. Why should he? John’s father hadn't lifted it for the inevitable birthday party, nor for the weekly gaming/movie party John always had. Halloween wasn’t supposed to be different really.

“Dad ordered KFC,” was the first thing John announced when Karkat entered John’s living room.

“He said you can have as much food as you want,” the young man continued, oblivious to Karkat’s shock.

“Oh, okay,” Karkat replied before settling down in front of the TV and taking a piece of chicken.

One bite into however, had Karkat gagging.

“Hahaha,” John laughed while Karkat spit the sugary treat out of his mouth and ran to the kitchen to get a glass of water. There was an innocuous glass of water waiting for him on the counter, and Karkat thanked the universe for having an understanding moirail. However, the glass of water wasn’t water. It was sprite.

“I warned you about the water man,” John gasped between side shaking laughs, “I told you dog!”

“You dick,” Karkat snarled after he’d poured himself some water, “You tried to drug me, and laughed when I freaked out.”

“Drug you?” John questioned as he entered the kitchen, “What?”

“Trolls get drunk off of sugar you shamefucking maggot! It’s common fucking knowledge shithead pooplord!”

“I’m sorry,” John gave Karkat his irresistible puppy eyes, “I didn’t mean to hurt you! Besides, there’s some egg salad dad made for you in the fridge. Why don’t you eat that with me?”

“Fine,” Karkat retrieved the egg salad to eat while watching a horror movie with John.

About 20 minutes later Karkat felt a little warmer than usual.

“Heeeey, Jooohn,” Karkat slurred, “Isssh it a *hic* bit warm in here?”

“You feeling okay,” John gave his friend a worried look.

The fuck you Karkat wanted to say came out as a long, loud moan of, “Fuuuuuuuuck.”

“Oh, shit,” John looked at Karkat with his beautiful wide blue eyes.

…

Wait, what did he just think about John’s eyes? That was not the thought of a moirail.

“John,” Karkat moaned, “Fuck, John.”

“Why don’t you lie down?” John suggested, and Karkat had never heard a better comment.

“Just so you know,” John cuddled up to his friend, “I’m sorry.”

“D-don’t,” Karkat nuzzled John’s shoulder, “You never need to apo- apopo- say sorry to me.”

“Can I touch your horns?” John asked, “I’ve always wanted to.”

Something about that made alarms go off in Karkat’s head.

“But that’s so seeexuuual,” Karkat whined, caressing John’s cheek, “You have pretty eyes.”

“Um… thank you?”

Karkat snorted a laugh, and continued cuddling with John on the floor while watching bad horror films. And if he acted a little more scared than usual, John didn’t comment on it.


	24. Let's Make a Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is being his usual fussy pants, so Kanaya teaches him to crochet.

“Honestly Karkat, you need to stop fussing,” Kanaya scolded as she ironed a piece of fabric.

“I can’t help it!” Karkat shouted, “What if this doesn’t work? What if we don’t work? How the fuck am I supposed to get up every goddamn morning knowing that shit eating cunt sucker…”

“Karkat, please calm down,” Kanaya used the tone which she knew would calm the smaller troll instantly. 

“Not fair,” Karkat whined softly, turning into a pile of mush in the corner, “You always do that.”

“Topic change,” Kanaya announced as she fit the fabric back on the body form she had been working with, “I want to teach you to crochet.”

“And why the fuck should I?” Karkat snarled, “It’s a bunch of fiddling with yarn bullshit! No!”

“It’s repetitive,” Kanaya spoke softly, “Thus cathartic, and if you crocheted this hat for me it would make my life easier.”

“Fine, fuck, you’ve sold me. Let’s give it a try.”

Kanaya smiled and carefully chose the yarn and needle she wanted Karkat to learn with. She could still remember the first needle she’d ever tried working with. It hadn’t been terribly small, but it hadn’t been as big as the size nine she typically used for her hats now. Somehow, she couldn’t see Karkat using a very big hook. Besides, the hat she needed required a smaller needle and thinner thread than what she usually preferred.

“First, let me teach you how to read the yarn label, and the hook,” Kanaya returned with needle and yarn in tow.

“I hate pink,” Karkat murmured, so Kanaya chose to ignore the complaint.

“This is the crochet needle,” Kanaya held up the aluminum needle, “It’s also called a hook, since it has a hook on the end.”

“Wow, that wasn't completely obvious.”

“Shoosh,” Kanaya patted one of Karkat’s cheeks before continuing, “This center part tells you how large the needle is. This needle is a size I9, or a 5.25 mm.”

“Okay,” Karkat rolled his eyes, “How about the yarn label?”

“There are a few things you’ll need to note when picking up the yarn,” Kanaya grinned at the small troll, “The name of the color, the bulk, the recommended size of crochet needle, and the instructions for washing.”

“Kanaya,” Karkat growled, “Can we just get into how to do this fucking thing?”

“Alright,” Kanaya smiled, “Let me show you how to make a slip knot.”

“A what now?” Karkat glared at Kanaya.

“It’s the type of knot that crochet and knitting requires. Here’s the way you do it,” Kanaya picked up her string, “First wrap the end of the yarn you’re working with around two of your fingers. Then pull the working strand through the circle you made and tighten. This results in a slip knot.”

After a couple of failed attempts, and a lot of cursing, Karkat finally managed it.

“Now what you want to do is loop your working strand around your needle, just once, yes like that. Pull the yarn through the loop on your hook.”

“Really? That’s so fucking easy?” Karkat yelled, “What the fuck.”

“You well we are keeping it simple,” Kanaya rolled her eyes, “You are still learning.”

“Fuck you very much,” Karkat snarled.

“What you just did was a chain. You’re going to repeat that about twelve more times, and then you’re going to measure it. I’d like it to reach a length of two inches.”

“Alright,” Karkat focused intently on the yarn he was working with, and once he had a good two inches of chains he asked Kanaya what she wanted next.

“You’re going to chain one more, and that will be your turning chain. You see the chain directly behind the hook? Insert your hook in the chain, loop your yarn around, pull through, then loop the yarn around again and pull through the two chains.”

“Fuck you very much,” Karkat snarled, “Why the fuck is this so easy. I thought it’d be harder.”

“It’s not like you’re making a plushy or anything. Those are hard. You’re not increasing or decreasing stitches either. That’s also a little difficult.”

By the time Karkat’s date came by, Karkat had successfully made a good inch and a half of progress on the band for the hat.


End file.
